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Withered

Good morning my dear darklings.  The coffee is just not doing it today.  It’s good.  It’s just not working.  Maybe I accidentally bought the half caffeinated kind.  I think I’m just sad.  I’m still missing my kids.  It’s like withering.  I don’t know how he could go so long without seeing or talking to them and I gave him the option to do so.  He’s not giving me that option.  Didn’t he miss them like I do?  I’ve been a mother since I was 20 and I don’t know anymore how to be a person and not just mommy.  I don’t really want to know.  I love my kids and I miss and think about them all of the time.

I keep thinking to myself when I finally get to see them.  I imagine the hugs and remember hearing my oldest daughter saying, “I love you mommy.” for the first time ever.  And I’m not a crier but I miss them so badly, I’m pretty sure I’ll cry.  It will be so sad gothic fairygood to just see and hold them again.  I hope they know that I love them and miss them.  I hope they don’t think I don’t want them.  That would never be true.  They can always come home if he’d let them.

My closet is full of birthday presents for my youngest daughter.  I’ve got a few things for the other two as well.  The freezer has an ice cream cake waiting for her.  There’s a fresh box of birthday candles in a drawer.  I look around the house and I’ve cleaned it but otherwise, it’s like time stopped when they couldn’t come home.  My son’s book bag and glasses are still in the same spot.  The stuffed bunny my daughter likes to sleep with is still in the same place.  My oldest daughter’s favorite frozen pizzas are still waiting to be cooked.  It’s like I don’t know how to live without them.

If the common interest’s goal was to kill me, he’s found the tool.  What’s sad is he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.  Why he’s doing it, I don’t know.  I was perfectly fine for the kids for the last 14 years.  What’s worse is I would never do this to him.  I would never do this to them.  I would never deny our kids access to one of their parents.  They love him and they should.  He’s their father.  But they love me too and in their entire lives they haven’t gone this long without me.  Does he consider what this might be doing to them?  I don’t know.  If he was the person I knew, I’d say yes.  This person is, like I’ve said, someone I barely recognize.  And now he’s making me a stranger to them.

Strength

Good morning my lovelies.  No coffee today.  I was too lazy to make it for just me.  But everything else is status quo.  It was brought to my attention today that I am not a strong person.  I was not aware of this.  I thought given some of the things I’ve gone through and endured, that I’m pretty freaking strong.  Stronger than I thought, even.

It has also been brought to my attention that I spend a lot of time thinking about what is sensual-fairy-fairies-30632454-1280-800.jpgor could be considered rude.  This, I knew.  But, in regards to both of those statements, I don’t think it hurts.  I am far stronger than I’m given credit for, especially with what I’ve gone through and what I’m continuing to go through.  How many times can you say you thought you had your life under control and then had your legs kicked our from under you?  I can honestly say that in just this past year and a half, for me, it’s been countless times.  I’d have to say that, not only am I strong, I’m pretty freaking resilient.  How many times can you start over, especially in a short amount of time, and then just start over again?  Somehow, I keep managing to do that.

And here’s where the rude stuff comes in.  Just because someone knows how to be polite and treat people with respect doesn’t mean they’re weak.  It harms no one and, I think, fireflowerfairy.jpgshows a level of intelligence and compassion to just be nice to people.  Who does it hurt or what does it cost to hold a door for someone or say “Yes ma’am” or “Yes, sir”?  No one and nothing.  But if you’re nice and good to people, chances are that they’ll be good and nice to you.  So you’re basically benefiting yourself, which also hints at my very selfish side and I readily admit I have one.  But it makes me feel good to be good to people and what does that hurt?

Does it denote weakness?  I guess so.  I was not aware of that.  Just because you can be nice, it automatically means you’re weak?  For me that is not the case.  I just don’t want to hurt people.  It’s easy to hurt someone.  That takes very little effort but it takes a little thought to consider how someone else might feel and act accordingly.  Respect shows strength.  It means you’re okay enough in your own head to be a decent person.  The world might be a better place if people did that.

Points

Good morning my dearests.  So far, so good.  I’ve gone and gotten a coffee.  Still have some cigarettes and I’ve managed to stay out of trouble.  The only thing that could make this morning better would be if my kids were home.  Every single day I send at least one text asking to have them back or at least speak to them.  And every single day I’m ignored.  It’s not like I can go knock on the door.

Missing them and worrying about them is consuming.  For thirteen years I was the constant.  Now, I don’t know what they think.  It’s been a month now with no contact at all and about another two weeks of one small visit and two phone calls that totaled 5 wp-1453253837972.jpegminutes and 45 seconds.

It’s killing me wondering what they think about this.  Do they think I just left?  That I don’t love or want them?  Do they miss me?  Does my oldest daughter have any idea what’s going on or does she think mommy just bailed on her?  I don’t know and no one will tell me.  I can get no response.  Not even a “they’re ok”.  How do you pretend that the mother of your children doesn’t exist while simultaneously trying to destroy her?

My life is so much emptier without their smiles, laughter, hugs and love.  It’s like, what’s the point?  Their lives are/were my purpose and now that purpose has been taken away.  And not legally.  Not because they were removed from me.  They just haven’t been given back.  I still haven’t been able to tell my youngest daughter happy birthday.  I just hope they know better than to think I’m not trying to get them.

Smiles

Good afternoon my lovely loves.  It’s hot here so I’ve got iced coffee and the cigarettes are at a good level, so, except for missing my children, all’s good here now.  I know I haven’t been posting anything lately but that’s not my fault this time.  But I’m back now so fb_img_1454544001415.jpgeverything is copasetic there too.

Here’s the important part of things, this has been the hardest month and a half of my life. But you know what?  I’m still good.  I still find a reason to smile and laugh and something to be grateful for every fucking day despite what other people may want for me.  And I’ve had some time now to think about things and would you like to know what I’ve decided?  Fuck what other people want for me that isn’t good for me or my kids.

I know I’m not usually so…colorful with my language here but I really am using the “F” bomb as an explicative this time and not just tossing it into things as a useless word.  I don’t care anymore what other people may want.  The common interest is gone.  The person I thought he was is being ruled over by “the other one” so there’s no hope from that side anymore.  Decency from the common interest’s side is no longer even hoped for.  Now, I’d bet against it every time.

And all that is good.  It’s fine.  I’ll find some way to get through everything.  My shit is together and, if there’s one thing the common interest should know, it’s that once I’m focused on something, that’s it.  Right now my focus is fuck him and her.  Just give me my kids so someone that loves them can take care of them.

Substance

Good afternoon my lovely darklings.  I know I’ve been lax about posting lately.  But apparently I’m “being watched” and I’m some sort of threat to “the other one”.  What a joke. lol  If her lies spun as much gold as they do bullshit, she’d be a millionaire.  But wp-1456823245224.jpegwhatever.

Here’s the thing.  I’m still going to refer to him as the common interest since I’m trying to not use any names.  But I used to be so proud of him.  It gave me strength and made me proud that I was his and could call him mine because I thought he was such a good, brave man.  It made me happy, though I worried constantly, to say what line of work my then husband was in.  It made me feel special that he confided in me and I got to see the him he was when other people weren’t around.  I saw his softer side.  I got to be a part of who he was.  What’s sad is, he’s not anywhere near the person I thought he was then anymore.

This is a person I don’t recognize or know.  Sometimes that person I knew shows up and I can see him but, now especially, he’s gone.  He looks broken.  And that is a very sad, horrible thing because he was so strong before.  I knew a man who would call me to go pick up a stray dog he saw wandering around.  The man I knew would look me in the eyes.  Now I know if doesn’t or can’t he’s hiding or lying about something.  I knew a man who would fight and it looks like all of the fight has been sucked out of him.  Before, if I said his name, and he would know when I was serious, there would be some action on his part and now his actions do not seem his own.  And that cannot be blamed on me anymore.  I’ve been out of the picture for a good while now.

wp-1459017717979.gifThe core of the man I knew is still there somewhere.  He’s there loving our kids, though he’s keeping them from them.  He tries to tell me and himself he never loved me but I call bullshit on that because it’s not true.  It’s just not.  He may not anymore but he did.  We were dealt a very difficult hand and that had a lot to do with our demise.  Other things or people have a lot to do with our inability to get along very well now.  Because I still fully believe that he’d do anything for the well being of our children but I also fully believe that he knows keeping them from me is not in their best interest.  Not when I’ve been the only constant in their entire live until “the other one” came and reared her ugly head.

So my hope is that what’s left of the man I knew will surface and give me our babies back.  Because THAT man knows that I am no threat to anyone.  He knows who I am and who I am is not a bad person.  He knows I wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone unless they hurt me first.  He knows he can trust me because I still keep everything he says to keep between us, between us.  And he knows I know him, the in dark, away from everyone else but us him. And deep down, that man trusts me.  Because I’ve made myself worthy of that trust by being completely faithful and loving him for everything that he is.

Rainy Days

Good morning my loves.  I’m feeling very grateful today.  I’ve got coffee, cream and sugar.  Cigarettes aren’t a concern right now.  The rent is all good now along with all the bills and I’ve got a car again.  The weather outside is dark and rainy the way I like it.  Things have fireflowerfairy.jpgbeen much, much worse.  This time last week my situation was dire and fairly pathetic.  I was worried where I was going to live when the eviction came though and I was bumming cigarettes.

Thank God that’s not the case anymore.  Now I can try to start over with my plan of action before my purse was stolen and I crashed my truck.  And that’s not a bad place to start from.  I thought everything would be ok then and now that I have the opportunity again, I still think it will.  I’ve just got to be very cognizant of what I’m doing so I don’t screw up anymore.  Before every decision I’ve got to think about all of the possible outcomes an pick accordingly.

So now if my kids were here, everything would be pretty close to perfect.  I don’t expect perfect, don’t even really hope for it but I can be happy without things being perfect.  Normal for us is an acceptable thing to want and hope for and that’s all I want.  And normal would be for my kids to be home with me like they have beentheir whole lives up until the last while.  Everyday I call to see them or at least speak to them but that’s not being allowed and I don’t want to do anything drastic because that would only upset them.  They’ve had enough upset.

So I’ll deal with this feeling of loss until they’re where they belong again.  And I’ll be thankful for the positive things that are happening now.  I don’t think there’s another choice.  My options are limited to begin with.  So with some positivity and hope maybe, just maybe, I’ll get though this one.

 

Hard Lessons

Good evening my dearest darklings.  I know it’s been a while since I posted anything and this is far from my usual time but tomorrow is pretty full and starts early so I thought I’d post my post now.  The good thing about tomorrow being busy is it’s mostly good stuff, or at least stuff that should end in a positive light. wp-1454831639275.jpeg

I hope that any of the guys that read this that have children have all had an excellent father’s day weekend.  This weekend has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  There have been some very good parts and also, of course because it’s me, some very bad ones as well.  The good parts I’ll keep to myself for now except for those of you who are already in the know.  The bad?  Let me tell you about it.

For starters, I still have bruises showing up from the accident I had Saturday before last and my hands both still ache and want to grip nothing too heavy, too long or too tightly.  But that inconsequential to what the down side of this ride is.  The common interest, as I have and will continue to refer to him as, has still not let me even speak to my children.  I’m sure it’s a foreign concept to him, but I miss them.  Horribly.  It’s so bad that I’m dreaming crying bloodabout them, seeing them in those first couple of seconds when you wake up and aren’t fully conscious yet.  Now I understand that today is father’s day and he should have them today.  But given that I’ve been calling everyday, multiple times to get a chance to even speak to them, I could have gotten that much from any human that has a semblance of a soul or a heart.  I never did this to him and he promised he’d never do it to me either but so many, like just about all, of his promises have been lies.

It was a hard lesson learned the hard way that he is a person to not be trusted.  Not his word, his promise and definitely not someone one should trust with their heart.  But hindsight is 20/20 and I know better now.  And fortunately, I’m smart enough to not make that mistake with him twice.

More Storms

Good morning my loves.  Sorry that I’ve been absent the past few days but I had a car accident, which I believe I mentioned already, and my hands are still two throbbing appendages at the ends of my arms.  They’re not the only things that still hurt but, trustwp-1454831534001.gif me, unless something else is really damaged, you’ll notice that pain in particular the most and realize how much you use your hands when every movement is almost cringe worthy.  Something simple, like lighting a cigarette, becomes an important decision.  Do I really want to have to use a lighter?  Thankfully I have some cigarettes because a very generous friend went far out of his way to give me some of his.  And I have some coffee too; just saying.  So there have definitely been worse mornings.

I’m stuck in a bit of a quandary, my friends.  One is, I changed all my stuff to private but somehow, “someone” is still getting into it.  So that leads to the second problem:  Do I write as openly as I always do?  Or do I temper what I have to say?  I’m not going to lie, but do I hold back?  And what do I refer to him as when “him” doesn’t fit the sentence and “the common interest” seems to piss him off and pissing him off only makes my already problematic life more difficult?  I guess I’ll just write what comes naturally and see where it goes.

So last night there was a pretty heavy thunderstorm.  I fell asleep to the soothing baritone rumble of thunder, rain hitting my doors and windows and the occasional flash of lighting through and from under my blinds.  It was nice but for me, a thunderstorm with no one around makes me lonely.  It would have been great for my kids to have been here with me, like he promised, but they weren’t and I don’t know why.  I call everyday to see or talk to my kids and since Saturday, I’ve spoken to two of them for a total 3 minutes and 45 seconds and haven’t seen them once.  I think I might know why but for my own well-being, I will keep that bit to myself.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch base.  I’ve been told some of you are worried about me.  I’m not used to that and never expected it but please know that I’m grateful.  Thank you guys again for your love and care and help.  Truly, I do appreciate it so very much.  So many of you have told me not to worry, that things will get better after I weather this storm, that I can only believe it.  And it seems that this storm I’m not going through alone.  Thank you.

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Told Ya

Good morning my dearests.  Thanks to the generosity of a friend of mine I have cigarettes and shortly I will have some coffee.  I have to say that I’m surprised at how many views I’ve been getting these past few days without even posting anything.  Has my roller coaster life become like a soap opera for some of you or is it more like a train wreck you can’t help but look at?  Either way, it’s cool that some of you are still interested.

Well here’s the latest installment.  I had a car accident Saturday.  Monday I was supposed to sell it to hopefully make up for what was stolen from me and what the common interestwp-1458159363377.jpeg decided to renig on.  I was ready to do it Friday but had no one to go with me so it had to be Monday. I was so close.  Now I’ll be lucky if I get a claims check that will cover it and it’ll be a miracle if it comes in time to take care of things.  Now my neck, shoulders, stomach and especially both of my hands are all killing me.  What’s crazy is the hand with the broken bones hurts less than the one that isn’t broken.  Folding laundry should be fun today.

The common interest will not even let me speak to my children and I have no way to go there right now.  I don’t have the money for the deposit for a rental car.  So once again, I’m car-less.  And now I live too far away to walk anywhere.  Not that I have money to spend on anything.  Like I said, the cigarettes I’m smoking were a donation.  And I spent more than I had on a grocery delivery so there would be food here for when I do get the kids back.  I still can’t eat and, given the situation, I don’t really have any desire to do so anyway.

So see, things really can get worse.  But I still have hope that they’ll get better.  They’ve got to.  I’ve always prayed on my own in general but yesterday I put out some serious prayers to a few Saints and I’m believing that they won’t let me down.  But the groceries are here now so I’ve got to cut this now.  Thank you all for your help, prayers, good vibes and everything.  None of it is going unnoticed or unappreciated.

Lessons

Good morning my loves.  Thanks to payment for some editing I’m doing for a friend, I’ve got a few cigarettes and I’ve got coffee brewing right now.  Thank goodness.  My hand and shoulder still hurt like a mother effer and the scabs are probably going to scar, but it’s not killing me to type right now.  I got some cleaning done yesterday and I’m working on my wp-1454831517741.giftruck to sell it so I can hopefully take care of at least most of my bills.  I’m going to attempt to be hopeful again.

It may be a mistake to do that.  But I can’t help from being hopeful.  It just keeps happening.  There’s still plenty wrong, still lots to worry about but it looks like I can tentatively move in an upward motion.  God I hope so.  If you’re still reading my blog, you’re a trooper and thank you.  I’m sorry that it’s usually a downer but I’m trying to find the good parts and go for them.

The “other one” isn’t around so that’s not a concern right now.  That means the common interest should be easier to deal with.  For a little while at least and I’ll be thankful for that too.  There’s still plenty wrong there as well but I’m trying to focus on the good and not the bad.

I’ve learned some very important life lessons recently, the hard, hard way.  In a nutshell, trust is an illusion.  Pride is swallowable.  Money is more important that just about anything.  Love, except for your children, is a joke.  You’ve got to find something to smile or laugh about no matter how bad things are or they’ll never get better.  Oh, and try to find something to be grateful for everyday.  And I guess that’s about it.  Let’s see how today goes.  Let’s hope it’s a good day for all of us.