Category: Uncategorized


Hoping…maybe?

Hello there my lovely darklings.  Long time no post, right?  I’m sorry about that in case any of you were missing me. lol. But here I am still alive and, shockingly, still capable of hope for my future.  Turns out my resiliency is far harder to kill than any of us thought.  I’m actually way stronger and able to survive than I would have ever imagined. The situation that I’m writing this post in is far far different than any other but I’m still able to look around me and find something to be thankful for.  Something in this life of mine, which really isn’t so great right now but could be and has been much worse, worth appreciating. Thank goodness for that.  I hear from some people that they miss the old Krista. And in some ways I miss her too.  But what made me that person is still here.  I may have close to nothing but the little that I have I’ll share. I keep my word and if you’re my friend I’ll stand by your side and defend you to the bitter end.  This current situation has just led to a wiser more resourceful person.  There is far more out here than I ever imagined.   But now I know about it can incorporate it into what I know about life and use it in my stories.  😉  And I’m thinking that if I plan to write about it, I must plan to get through it.  Right?

Wondering About Other Ones

Wondering if this is in Italy with the one of the other other ones.  Maybe we could think on it and come up with an idea.  Maybe it’s for his other one with me.  Maybe it’s not but I’d bet that there is some form of other one in this scenario.

 

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Dreaming Again

Good morning my lovlies.  Maybe it’s the bronchitis and double pneumonia.  Perhaps it’s the fever or the meds I’ve been put on but something caused a few dreams last night, the type that I never expected to have again.

I remember, once upon a time, waking up with the remnant wisps of certain dreams clinging to my mind and my heart, making me try to force myself back to sleep and back to that place before those tendrils hit the reality of consciousness and disolved into the morning light.  I wanted to snuggle into the feeling of those dreams; that feeling of rightness, of belonging, of home.

I’d given up on those dreams and that feeling.  I was asked over the weekend if I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go?  I didn’t have to think.  My answer was immediate.  I would go home.  Seems simple enough to me.  And that for me home is more about a person and small group of people than a place shouldn’t be hard to understand either.  It was though.

More than likely it was a culmination of those things that caused these dreams.  The weird and problematic things were that I was aware during these dreams and they felt good and i liked it.  You would think I’d know better than to let myself feel those things or to allow them to affect me.  But I did and they do so….  I don’t know darklings.  If any of you read this today, advise me please.

Increments

Here’s something new that I’ve come up with.  I hope you guys forgive me for being negligent and like this.  It’s been a while since I’ve even tried to write something new, so if you don’t like it, please don’t be too harsh.

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The sky outside is gray and moody

Changing with the direction of the wind

And it suits me now, if it’d only rain

I wait for the end to begin

It seems I’ve been dying in increments

Much longer than I’d thought before

And it seems that everything’s all twisted up

I can’t believe I’d hoped for anything more

Because once I thought that I had it all

The whole til death do us part

And it wasn’t a lie but it was a joke

Cause the other half was lacking a heart

And mistakes were made in increments

Each one was  worse than the last

Expanding in exponentials at least

Each one making the future the past

 

Home

Good morning my loves.  I know, I know.  I’ve been absent for a longer while than usual this time but I have good reasons for it this time.  The kids finally got to come home!  So I just kind of holed up and spent time with them.  It was really, really good.  I opened the door when they were dropped off and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten bigger hugs from them or more I love yous.  Even from my oldest daughter who barely and rarely talks.  She cried a little and I was worried for a minute.  I asked her if she was happy or sad and she said wp-1456823245224.jpeghappy as she was wiping away a few tears.

My youngest daughter finally got to get the birthday presents I’d gotten for her.  The four of us did the birthday cake and candles, sat around the kitchen table together for dinner and basically just hung out in a puppy pile on the sofa with blankets, popcorn and movies.  We played games.  We colored.  We played.  It was like life was on pause and started again once they were home.

Unfortunately, they had to go back this past Friday.  They said they wanted to stay at least a little longer but there’s a court order in place and there really no choice in the matter.  It’ll be ok though.  I’ll get them back next Friday and eventually they’ll see that this is really the schedule now and they won’t have to worry whether or not they’ll get to see or talk to me.  Before they left I made sure to tell the three of them that no matter what happens, I love them and want them home with me, that I’m at lthe very least trying to speak with them everyday.  That I’ll miss them until they’re home with me again.

It was just very important to me, and I think for them, for them to feel reassured that this is home and I love them and want them here.  And I think it worked.  They were pretty tight lipped about life at the other house to begin with but as they relaxed again and got comfortable, I would hear some stories of their daily lives with the other one and the common interest.  It was kind of hard but I made sure that I kept my face blank of anger or irritation, that I remained interested in what they had to say, that I asked questions so they knew it was ok to talk about stuff with me.

It wasn’t like they were telling me bad things and I wasn’t trying to pry information out of them.  They just wanted to catch me up on the stuff they’d been doing and how things were going.  My youngest asked if it was ok for her to talk about this stuff so I hugged her, kissed the top of her head and told her she can always talk to me about whatever she wants.

It was hard and a little scary to let them go again but I’m trusting that I’ll get them back.  And it’s not like I could let them know I was anxious about it because that would only make them anxious about it too.  They’ll be home again on Friday.  I’ve got to believe that.  It would just be really great if the common interest would give up on the anger he’s holding on to so that he and I can take care of our kids.  There’s no reason for us to fight anymore if the only thing between us is raising them to the best of our abilities and their needs.  So maybe things are closer to being alright.  I hope so because I’m tired of fighting.

Sad Song

Good morning my lovelies.  The coffee just cannot brew fast enough this morning.  Waking up is difficult this morning.  I’m already bartering with myself that if I get this and that done, I can have a nap.  There’s a little voice in my head saying to just take the nap but Igoth-girl-in-the-rain can’t do that.  I’m not big on them anyway.  I hate waking up disoriented, with my heart racing a mile a minute.

So yesterday I had to catch a ride with my parents to Annapolis because my car is having issues.  They were listening to a CD and their song came on.  I was sitting in the back thinking about it.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know that that song is their song.  It just always has been.  My parents have been married for like 45 years and this was their song since they were dating.

It occurred to me that I’ve never really had a song with anyone.  There are songs that I could or would associate with a person or a situation but nothing where you look at the other person and without needing to say a word acknowledge that that is your song together.  You get that moment of recognition of yourselves as a couple.  Like you two against the world.

Then it dawned on me that I’m probably never going to have that.  I’ve been as close as I’m going to be I think.  And really, at this point, it makes me sad but I don’t want to go back there again.  I don’t want to be in a position where someone has that kind power over me, to hurt me again.

What’s Left

Good afternoon my lovelies.  I know I’ve been lax again but things came up and I’m just now getting home again.  Luckily, cell phones travel so any chance that I had to speak to my kids was not missed.  My days are revolving around that now.  When might the kids get to call?  And any, and every, thing and one is dropped if that call comes through.  Nothing else is more important.

I’m left with some questions though.  They’ll stay with me for the time being.  But I’m also left with a lot of guilt.  The last two times I spoke with them, first my youngest son and then my youngest daughter, the next night, started crying when it was time to hangwp-1454831517741.gif up.  I fully believe they need to hear that I love them, miss them and want them to come home.  The problem is that they miss me too and I have no answers for them as to when I’ll get to see them again.

Am I being selfish wanting whatever form of contact I can get with them or am I exercising my God given right as a mother?  The absolute very last thing I want for them is to hurt or be sad.  And I surely don’t want to be the cause of it.  I truly don’t want any of us to hurt, or at least not more than naturally comes from these type of situations.  But then who am I, right? lol

I guess I’m bordering on maybe being hopeful again for some agreeable outcome.  Not everyone is going to be completely happy.  Not everyone is going to get exactly what they want but maybe there’s some acceptable routine that can come from what’s left of everything that was.  What counts is that the kids can still be loved, happy and taken care of.  In the end that’s all that matters anymore.

Limits

Good afternoon darklings.  I’ve been told today that I’m a broken record and need to give up on certain things or people.  I try not to be because I know who that person is does not exist anymore.  But it’s difficult to let go of someone you thought you knew to be true at one time.  Especially when you gave everything to that person and, for whatever reason, that wasn’t enough.  It’s hard to accept that maybe you were only enough for a little wp-1456823245224.jpegwhile.  And the person you promised your life to, was not that person at all.

When you and that person go through something so hard that you just know that if you can survive it together, everything will be ok and it isn’t?  That’s a hard reality to face.  Especially when you weren’t expecting it and the person who replaced you is a lesser woman.  Someone having their shit together doesn’t make them a better person necessarily.  It makes them organized.  Not forgiving.  Not nurturing.  Not accepting.  And definitely not loving.  Not if they’re worried more about appearances than wp-1457169387012.jpegsubstance.

But the friend who told me I’m being redundant is right.  I can’t fault her on that one.  It would piss me off too.  I need to turn the other face and move forward with what is and not wait around for what I want.  It’s done nothing but harm me and how do you watch a friend self-destruct without saying something?

So from this point forward I’m not waiting.  I can’t anymore.  It’s been too much and affected too many aspects of my life.  I can only hurt so much for one person.  My kids?  I would die for.  Anyone else?  There has to be a limit.  And I think, I hope, I’ve reached mine.

Patience

Good morning my lovelies.  I should be making coffee but I’m not feeling it this morning which, you know if you read this with any regularity, is strange.  There have been fairly close to more mornings than not that my day started with coffee and eventually coffee and a cigarette.  I’m feeling a little sad again today, I think.

Yesterday I did not even get to speak to my children.  There was some texting to the common interest in an attempt to see them and let them visit their grandmother.  Therewp-1457000735267.gif were even a few calls but whatever.  So I guess I was so excited from talking to them those two times and thinking I would at least get to keep that much, that it was a real let down that I wasn’t allowed.  I sort of thought and had some hope, for the briefest instant, that maybe things were getting better.

Now I don’t know.  I guess it could go either way depending on the common interest’s mood.  It sucks but it’s fine in a way.  After 14 years, I’m pretty used to the moodiness.  I’ve learned from experience to adapt and overcome that so I’ll keep trying and I’ll wait for things to come around again.  They always do.  Eventually that person I knew will show.  The good guy I knew always shows back up at some point.  He always does.  The person I knew, knew right from wrong and he knows denying me access to our babies is wrong.

So I’ll try to be patient.  I have no other choice but to be good.  Making decisions gets a lot easier when all of your options have been taken from you.  What’s sad is, I was the one stupid enough to fall into traps that put me in this position.  I’m not the conniving type so I don’t see that in other people.  That was another lesson I learned the hard way but I learned it well and will not forget.

Strange State

Good morning my loves.  I’m posting this and I really am going to catch another quick nap before the sun comes all of the way up.  It’s iced coffee this morning in case anyone was wondering.  And the cigarette situation is ok as of now but donations are being accepted. lol  I’m getting further than I used to before things start looking bad but I’m still not making it the whole month.  It’s never going to be enough but I’m working on that.

I was able to talk to the kids again for a couple of minutes yesterday.  And I was able to keep my shit together this time.  Of course this time I was on speakerphone and the common interest was listening in.  That’s fine though.  It isn’t as if he hasn’t heard a million conversations between me and the kids before.  And I did get a chance to tell him he could meet me somewhere for a visit at least.  As long as “the other one” doesn’t come along, it would all be fine but we’ll see.  I don’t like that it’s assumed that I would do some sketchy stuff that other people would do when I never have before.  He’s been advised by images-3.jpg.jpegme about everything that’s happened up until this point and given time to correct himself but a girl’s got to stand up for herself somewhat at some point.

Anyway, the point is, good stuff happened yesterday.  Hopefully, good things will continue to happen.  It’s a strange place for me but it’s not bad.  I’m kind of enjoying this feeling of not awaiting some impending doom.  It’s fairly cool when things go well.  Could things be better?  Sure.  But I’m not going to be ungrateful for the things that have happened that are good.  I still think it’s important to find a reason to smile and laugh everyday and have at least one thing to be grateful for everyday.  It may be hard to find that silver lining some days but that just means you’ve got to look harder for it.

So, for now, I’m happy and I’m grateful.  My kids are ok even if they want to come home.  That’s not bad.  They will eventually.  They love me and that’s pretty much everything.  So that’s a good thing too.  They know I love and miss them.  They know I’m waiting.  And I’ll keep waiting.  For the second day in a row it kind of feels like things might be ok again at some point.  It’s an unfamiliar feeling for me but one I could definitely get used to.