Good morning my dear darklings.  The coffee is just not doing it today.  It’s good.  It’s just not working.  Maybe I accidentally bought the half caffeinated kind.  I think I’m just sad.  I’m still missing my kids.  It’s like withering.  I don’t know how he could go so long without seeing or talking to them and I gave him the option to do so.  He’s not giving me that option.  Didn’t he miss them like I do?  I’ve been a mother since I was 20 and I don’t know anymore how to be a person and not just mommy.  I don’t really want to know.  I love my kids and I miss and think about them all of the time.

I keep thinking to myself when I finally get to see them.  I imagine the hugs and remember hearing my oldest daughter saying, “I love you mommy.” for the first time ever.  And I’m not a crier but I miss them so badly, I’m pretty sure I’ll cry.  It will be so sad gothic fairygood to just see and hold them again.  I hope they know that I love them and miss them.  I hope they don’t think I don’t want them.  That would never be true.  They can always come home if he’d let them.

My closet is full of birthday presents for my youngest daughter.  I’ve got a few things for the other two as well.  The freezer has an ice cream cake waiting for her.  There’s a fresh box of birthday candles in a drawer.  I look around the house and I’ve cleaned it but otherwise, it’s like time stopped when they couldn’t come home.  My son’s book bag and glasses are still in the same spot.  The stuffed bunny my daughter likes to sleep with is still in the same place.  My oldest daughter’s favorite frozen pizzas are still waiting to be cooked.  It’s like I don’t know how to live without them.

If the common interest’s goal was to kill me, he’s found the tool.  What’s sad is he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.  Why he’s doing it, I don’t know.  I was perfectly fine for the kids for the last 14 years.  What’s worse is I would never do this to him.  I would never do this to them.  I would never deny our kids access to one of their parents.  They love him and they should.  He’s their father.  But they love me too and in their entire lives they haven’t gone this long without me.  Does he consider what this might be doing to them?  I don’t know.  If he was the person I knew, I’d say yes.  This person is, like I’ve said, someone I barely recognize.  And now he’s making me a stranger to them.