Good morning my dearests.  So far, so good.  I’ve gone and gotten a coffee.  Still have some cigarettes and I’ve managed to stay out of trouble.  The only thing that could make this morning better would be if my kids were home.  Every single day I send at least one text asking to have them back or at least speak to them.  And every single day I’m ignored.  It’s not like I can go knock on the door.

Missing them and worrying about them is consuming.  For thirteen years I was the constant.  Now, I don’t know what they think.  It’s been a month now with no contact at all and about another two weeks of one small visit and two phone calls that totaled 5 wp-1453253837972.jpegminutes and 45 seconds.

It’s killing me wondering what they think about this.  Do they think I just left?  That I don’t love or want them?  Do they miss me?  Does my oldest daughter have any idea what’s going on or does she think mommy just bailed on her?  I don’t know and no one will tell me.  I can get no response.  Not even a “they’re ok”.  How do you pretend that the mother of your children doesn’t exist while simultaneously trying to destroy her?

My life is so much emptier without their smiles, laughter, hugs and love.  It’s like, what’s the point?  Their lives are/were my purpose and now that purpose has been taken away.  And not legally.  Not because they were removed from me.  They just haven’t been given back.  I still haven’t been able to tell my youngest daughter happy birthday.  I just hope they know better than to think I’m not trying to get them.