Good morning my dearests.  I’m not even going to bother with the usual coffee and cigarette stuff.  None of it has changed and it still doesn’t matter.  It might make things a little more livable to have those things but I’ve learned a lot about not having what I want and continuing to exist.  Last night I had this whole thing planned out.  I’d have some goth-girl-in-the-rainsmokes while I typed out the blog I had started in my head.  Now I don’t even know how to start.  It seems pointless like just about everything else at this point.  My hand is throbbing worse from typing so I don’t know why I’m bothering.

I guess the thing is, I always thought at this point in my life I’d be settled, with the man I’m meant to be with, kids, a house, a dog or two.  And I did have that for a while, kind of.  I had the love, the kids and the dogs.  Only the man I loved didn’t love me back.  Or eventually stopped, which I admit was partially my fault and it’s something I just have to deal with.  I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m supposed to be alone.  I’ve got the love of my kids who are everything to me and I’ve got a few excellent friends and I think that’s it for me.  Which will be fine.  Usually it’s more than enough.

But there are times when I’m left wondering why I don’t get to have that person to love.  I see people together who are so in love, even sometimes STILL so in love, and even when things are hard they still love each other.  They’re still in sync and don’t attack each other.  I have a bunch of love to give and I’ll admit I can be very needy.  Where’s my forever person?  I’ll never be part of that old couple walking down the beach at sunset.  And that’s sad.

Oh well.  If I took all of the offers I’d never be alone but I don’t see the point in bothering with things that seem like someone is playing a game.  I’m tired of games.  I’m told there’s a kiss that once you have it, it sets everything to right, erases doubt, eases the pain, brings joy and you just know.  Now I thought I had all of that so I’m curious what it’s actually like since I believed in it before.  Maybe my curiosity means I still have hope that it will happen.  God I’m such a sucker.

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