Good morning my dears.  Still no coffee, not that it matters.  I’m not sure that anything matters at this point.  I’ve been in bad places before but never like this.  And things just keep getting worse.  None of the problems are helped when someone keeps making more of them and is completely unwilling to talk, or listen or even try to work with me.  When I’m told my life doesn’t matter and he wishes I would just die and ends every conversation calling me at least one nasty name and hanging up on me.  I’ve been in tears already thiswp-1458159695645.gif morning   And chances are it won’t be the last time today and I am not a crier.

I am not the only one who is to blame for things but I’m getting all of the blame.  There’s no credit given for me letting things slide when he broke the rules so he can “just have this time”.  There’s no consideration for being abandoned, broke, with three kids and no car.  There’s no thought given to the fact that just before being abandoned his wedding ring was put back on and I was told everything was going to be fine as long as I kept doing what I was doing.  Or him disappearing to go out of stare, telling no one, to be with “the other one”.  As if everyone doesn’t know her name.  Or that I turned down men, even if it was just for friendship, because they were afraid of losing me too when I’ve been the only constant in their lives since day one.

Or all of the times the kids asked for him and he said no or they’ll have to wait or maybe tomorrow.  I’ve spent the last year and some months reassuring my kids that their father does love them and they didn’t do anything wrong almost everyday.  I have to tell them that it was me and it is me that he’s mad at, not them.  And I tell them, when they ask, that it’s ok to love him too.  That they should love him because of who he is.  I don’t get that on the other end.

I’m not sure what is said to other people but it must be pretty bad because, especially if you know me, I’m not a mean or bad person.  I never intentionally try to hurt people and will actually go out of my way to help just about anyone who needs or deserves it.  I even tried to nicely tell “the other one” what she was getting herself into but naturally she didn’t believe me.    She probably believes I deserve to be treated this way.  Or maybe she doesn’t hear what he says to me.  I don’t know and I guess that really doesn’t matter either.