Good morning my dearests.  I’m not sure exactly how I managed to swing it but once again I’ve got a decent cup of coffee and what I hope will be enough cigarettes to get me through until I have some money, which should hopefully be some time this morning.  I’ve even gothiclilota.jpggot some gas in the truck and that’s pretty freaking awesome because I’d gotten to the point that I was afraid it would idle to a stop somewhere.  So except for a slight dealing with the common interest this morning, things are mostly ok.

I’ll tell you, that man seems to really dislike me.  It’s confusing and probably part of what screws my head up so badly.  I was not always the greatest wife but it’s not like I ever stopped loving him, was horrible or ever disloyal.  Neither of us were perfect.  Sometimes we had a very difficult time just being kind of ok.  I’ve learned from it and tried to apologize for what good it did.  And it isn’t like I went out and found someone else behind his back and then after saying everything was going to be fine, just packed up and bailed one day.  Unexpectedly.  In front of all of the kids.  Considering that’s what he did, I think I’m being pretty freaking awesome about everything.  And considering all of the promises that have turned into lies that I’ve been told between then and now and the secrets I still keep, I should get an award or something.  Not a sainthood by any means, but, damn, I haven’t hit anyone yet or freaked out unless I was lashed out at first.

What I need to do is learn to stop questioning why.  I need to learn to not need to know.  Part of it I get.  Yes I drank way too much for far too long.  That probably just perpetuated6a56b5d0727a325c3e2db84756419e7c.jpg my anxiety which made him pull even more away which made me even more anxious and sad which led me to keep drinking.  That made me let things slide that I normally wouldn’t have and that made him want to be home even less.  It was a horrible downward spiral that, once started, was like a run away train down a slippery mountain slope.  But I never did any of that to intentionally hurt anyone.  Except maybe myself and I did a bang up job of that.  Aside from my marriage, there’s been damage done to me that is irreparable.

Hopefully I’ll eventually accept what is.  I’m not sure when, or if, that will ever happen but life keeps on moving forward whether I like how it’s going or not so I might as well.  The best I can do is just keep trying my best and moving forward too.  I have learned that the things he says won’t kill me and that was an important lesson.  It’s amazing sometimes how much hurt a person can take, feel like it should stop their heart and still keep breathing.