Archive for June, 2016


Substance

Good afternoon my lovely darklings.  I know I’ve been lax about posting lately.  But apparently I’m “being watched” and I’m some sort of threat to “the other one”.  What a joke. lol  If her lies spun as much gold as they do bullshit, she’d be a millionaire.  But wp-1456823245224.jpegwhatever.

Here’s the thing.  I’m still going to refer to him as the common interest since I’m trying to not use any names.  But I used to be so proud of him.  It gave me strength and made me proud that I was his and could call him mine because I thought he was such a good, brave man.  It made me happy, though I worried constantly, to say what line of work my then husband was in.  It made me feel special that he confided in me and I got to see the him he was when other people weren’t around.  I saw his softer side.  I got to be a part of who he was.  What’s sad is, he’s not anywhere near the person I thought he was then anymore.

This is a person I don’t recognize or know.  Sometimes that person I knew shows up and I can see him but, now especially, he’s gone.  He looks broken.  And that is a very sad, horrible thing because he was so strong before.  I knew a man who would call me to go pick up a stray dog he saw wandering around.  The man I knew would look me in the eyes.  Now I know if doesn’t or can’t he’s hiding or lying about something.  I knew a man who would fight and it looks like all of the fight has been sucked out of him.  Before, if I said his name, and he would know when I was serious, there would be some action on his part and now his actions do not seem his own.  And that cannot be blamed on me anymore.  I’ve been out of the picture for a good while now.

wp-1459017717979.gifThe core of the man I knew is still there somewhere.  He’s there loving our kids, though he’s keeping them from them.  He tries to tell me and himself he never loved me but I call bullshit on that because it’s not true.  It’s just not.  He may not anymore but he did.  We were dealt a very difficult hand and that had a lot to do with our demise.  Other things or people have a lot to do with our inability to get along very well now.  Because I still fully believe that he’d do anything for the well being of our children but I also fully believe that he knows keeping them from me is not in their best interest.  Not when I’ve been the only constant in their entire live until “the other one” came and reared her ugly head.

So my hope is that what’s left of the man I knew will surface and give me our babies back.  Because THAT man knows that I am no threat to anyone.  He knows who I am and who I am is not a bad person.  He knows I wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone unless they hurt me first.  He knows he can trust me because I still keep everything he says to keep between us, between us.  And he knows I know him, the in dark, away from everyone else but us him. And deep down, that man trusts me.  Because I’ve made myself worthy of that trust by being completely faithful and loving him for everything that he is.

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Rainy Days

Good morning my loves.  I’m feeling very grateful today.  I’ve got coffee, cream and sugar.  Cigarettes aren’t a concern right now.  The rent is all good now along with all the bills and I’ve got a car again.  The weather outside is dark and rainy the way I like it.  Things have fireflowerfairy.jpgbeen much, much worse.  This time last week my situation was dire and fairly pathetic.  I was worried where I was going to live when the eviction came though and I was bumming cigarettes.

Thank God that’s not the case anymore.  Now I can try to start over with my plan of action before my purse was stolen and I crashed my truck.  And that’s not a bad place to start from.  I thought everything would be ok then and now that I have the opportunity again, I still think it will.  I’ve just got to be very cognizant of what I’m doing so I don’t screw up anymore.  Before every decision I’ve got to think about all of the possible outcomes an pick accordingly.

So now if my kids were here, everything would be pretty close to perfect.  I don’t expect perfect, don’t even really hope for it but I can be happy without things being perfect.  Normal for us is an acceptable thing to want and hope for and that’s all I want.  And normal would be for my kids to be home with me like they have beentheir whole lives up until the last while.  Everyday I call to see them or at least speak to them but that’s not being allowed and I don’t want to do anything drastic because that would only upset them.  They’ve had enough upset.

So I’ll deal with this feeling of loss until they’re where they belong again.  And I’ll be thankful for the positive things that are happening now.  I don’t think there’s another choice.  My options are limited to begin with.  So with some positivity and hope maybe, just maybe, I’ll get though this one.

 

Hard Lessons

Good evening my dearest darklings.  I know it’s been a while since I posted anything and this is far from my usual time but tomorrow is pretty full and starts early so I thought I’d post my post now.  The good thing about tomorrow being busy is it’s mostly good stuff, or at least stuff that should end in a positive light. wp-1454831639275.jpeg

I hope that any of the guys that read this that have children have all had an excellent father’s day weekend.  This weekend has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  There have been some very good parts and also, of course because it’s me, some very bad ones as well.  The good parts I’ll keep to myself for now except for those of you who are already in the know.  The bad?  Let me tell you about it.

For starters, I still have bruises showing up from the accident I had Saturday before last and my hands both still ache and want to grip nothing too heavy, too long or too tightly.  But that inconsequential to what the down side of this ride is.  The common interest, as I have and will continue to refer to him as, has still not let me even speak to my children.  I’m sure it’s a foreign concept to him, but I miss them.  Horribly.  It’s so bad that I’m dreaming crying bloodabout them, seeing them in those first couple of seconds when you wake up and aren’t fully conscious yet.  Now I understand that today is father’s day and he should have them today.  But given that I’ve been calling everyday, multiple times to get a chance to even speak to them, I could have gotten that much from any human that has a semblance of a soul or a heart.  I never did this to him and he promised he’d never do it to me either but so many, like just about all, of his promises have been lies.

It was a hard lesson learned the hard way that he is a person to not be trusted.  Not his word, his promise and definitely not someone one should trust with their heart.  But hindsight is 20/20 and I know better now.  And fortunately, I’m smart enough to not make that mistake with him twice.

More Storms

Good morning my loves.  Sorry that I’ve been absent the past few days but I had a car accident, which I believe I mentioned already, and my hands are still two throbbing appendages at the ends of my arms.  They’re not the only things that still hurt but, trustwp-1454831534001.gif me, unless something else is really damaged, you’ll notice that pain in particular the most and realize how much you use your hands when every movement is almost cringe worthy.  Something simple, like lighting a cigarette, becomes an important decision.  Do I really want to have to use a lighter?  Thankfully I have some cigarettes because a very generous friend went far out of his way to give me some of his.  And I have some coffee too; just saying.  So there have definitely been worse mornings.

I’m stuck in a bit of a quandary, my friends.  One is, I changed all my stuff to private but somehow, “someone” is still getting into it.  So that leads to the second problem:  Do I write as openly as I always do?  Or do I temper what I have to say?  I’m not going to lie, but do I hold back?  And what do I refer to him as when “him” doesn’t fit the sentence and “the common interest” seems to piss him off and pissing him off only makes my already problematic life more difficult?  I guess I’ll just write what comes naturally and see where it goes.

So last night there was a pretty heavy thunderstorm.  I fell asleep to the soothing baritone rumble of thunder, rain hitting my doors and windows and the occasional flash of lighting through and from under my blinds.  It was nice but for me, a thunderstorm with no one around makes me lonely.  It would have been great for my kids to have been here with me, like he promised, but they weren’t and I don’t know why.  I call everyday to see or talk to my kids and since Saturday, I’ve spoken to two of them for a total 3 minutes and 45 seconds and haven’t seen them once.  I think I might know why but for my own well-being, I will keep that bit to myself.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch base.  I’ve been told some of you are worried about me.  I’m not used to that and never expected it but please know that I’m grateful.  Thank you guys again for your love and care and help.  Truly, I do appreciate it so very much.  So many of you have told me not to worry, that things will get better after I weather this storm, that I can only believe it.  And it seems that this storm I’m not going through alone.  Thank you.

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Told Ya

Good morning my dearests.  Thanks to the generosity of a friend of mine I have cigarettes and shortly I will have some coffee.  I have to say that I’m surprised at how many views I’ve been getting these past few days without even posting anything.  Has my roller coaster life become like a soap opera for some of you or is it more like a train wreck you can’t help but look at?  Either way, it’s cool that some of you are still interested.

Well here’s the latest installment.  I had a car accident Saturday.  Monday I was supposed to sell it to hopefully make up for what was stolen from me and what the common interestwp-1458159363377.jpeg decided to renig on.  I was ready to do it Friday but had no one to go with me so it had to be Monday. I was so close.  Now I’ll be lucky if I get a claims check that will cover it and it’ll be a miracle if it comes in time to take care of things.  Now my neck, shoulders, stomach and especially both of my hands are all killing me.  What’s crazy is the hand with the broken bones hurts less than the one that isn’t broken.  Folding laundry should be fun today.

The common interest will not even let me speak to my children and I have no way to go there right now.  I don’t have the money for the deposit for a rental car.  So once again, I’m car-less.  And now I live too far away to walk anywhere.  Not that I have money to spend on anything.  Like I said, the cigarettes I’m smoking were a donation.  And I spent more than I had on a grocery delivery so there would be food here for when I do get the kids back.  I still can’t eat and, given the situation, I don’t really have any desire to do so anyway.

So see, things really can get worse.  But I still have hope that they’ll get better.  They’ve got to.  I’ve always prayed on my own in general but yesterday I put out some serious prayers to a few Saints and I’m believing that they won’t let me down.  But the groceries are here now so I’ve got to cut this now.  Thank you all for your help, prayers, good vibes and everything.  None of it is going unnoticed or unappreciated.

Lessons

Good morning my loves.  Thanks to payment for some editing I’m doing for a friend, I’ve got a few cigarettes and I’ve got coffee brewing right now.  Thank goodness.  My hand and shoulder still hurt like a mother effer and the scabs are probably going to scar, but it’s not killing me to type right now.  I got some cleaning done yesterday and I’m working on my wp-1454831517741.giftruck to sell it so I can hopefully take care of at least most of my bills.  I’m going to attempt to be hopeful again.

It may be a mistake to do that.  But I can’t help from being hopeful.  It just keeps happening.  There’s still plenty wrong, still lots to worry about but it looks like I can tentatively move in an upward motion.  God I hope so.  If you’re still reading my blog, you’re a trooper and thank you.  I’m sorry that it’s usually a downer but I’m trying to find the good parts and go for them.

The “other one” isn’t around so that’s not a concern right now.  That means the common interest should be easier to deal with.  For a little while at least and I’ll be thankful for that too.  There’s still plenty wrong there as well but I’m trying to focus on the good and not the bad.

I’ve learned some very important life lessons recently, the hard, hard way.  In a nutshell, trust is an illusion.  Pride is swallowable.  Money is more important that just about anything.  Love, except for your children, is a joke.  You’ve got to find something to smile or laugh about no matter how bad things are or they’ll never get better.  Oh, and try to find something to be grateful for everyday.  And I guess that’s about it.  Let’s see how today goes.  Let’s hope it’s a good day for all of us.

Sucker

Good morning my dearests.  I’m not even going to bother with the usual coffee and cigarette stuff.  None of it has changed and it still doesn’t matter.  It might make things a little more livable to have those things but I’ve learned a lot about not having what I want and continuing to exist.  Last night I had this whole thing planned out.  I’d have some goth-girl-in-the-rainsmokes while I typed out the blog I had started in my head.  Now I don’t even know how to start.  It seems pointless like just about everything else at this point.  My hand is throbbing worse from typing so I don’t know why I’m bothering.

I guess the thing is, I always thought at this point in my life I’d be settled, with the man I’m meant to be with, kids, a house, a dog or two.  And I did have that for a while, kind of.  I had the love, the kids and the dogs.  Only the man I loved didn’t love me back.  Or eventually stopped, which I admit was partially my fault and it’s something I just have to deal with.  I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m supposed to be alone.  I’ve got the love of my kids who are everything to me and I’ve got a few excellent friends and I think that’s it for me.  Which will be fine.  Usually it’s more than enough.

But there are times when I’m left wondering why I don’t get to have that person to love.  I see people together who are so in love, even sometimes STILL so in love, and even when things are hard they still love each other.  They’re still in sync and don’t attack each other.  I have a bunch of love to give and I’ll admit I can be very needy.  Where’s my forever person?  I’ll never be part of that old couple walking down the beach at sunset.  And that’s sad.

Oh well.  If I took all of the offers I’d never be alone but I don’t see the point in bothering with things that seem like someone is playing a game.  I’m tired of games.  I’m told there’s a kiss that once you have it, it sets everything to right, erases doubt, eases the pain, brings joy and you just know.  Now I thought I had all of that so I’m curious what it’s actually like since I believed in it before.  Maybe my curiosity means I still have hope that it will happen.  God I’m such a sucker.

What Doesn’t Matter

Good morning my dears.  Still no coffee, not that it matters.  I’m not sure that anything matters at this point.  I’ve been in bad places before but never like this.  And things just keep getting worse.  None of the problems are helped when someone keeps making more of them and is completely unwilling to talk, or listen or even try to work with me.  When I’m told my life doesn’t matter and he wishes I would just die and ends every conversation calling me at least one nasty name and hanging up on me.  I’ve been in tears already thiswp-1458159695645.gif morning   And chances are it won’t be the last time today and I am not a crier.

I am not the only one who is to blame for things but I’m getting all of the blame.  There’s no credit given for me letting things slide when he broke the rules so he can “just have this time”.  There’s no consideration for being abandoned, broke, with three kids and no car.  There’s no thought given to the fact that just before being abandoned his wedding ring was put back on and I was told everything was going to be fine as long as I kept doing what I was doing.  Or him disappearing to go out of stare, telling no one, to be with “the other one”.  As if everyone doesn’t know her name.  Or that I turned down men, even if it was just for friendship, because they were afraid of losing me too when I’ve been the only constant in their lives since day one.

Or all of the times the kids asked for him and he said no or they’ll have to wait or maybe tomorrow.  I’ve spent the last year and some months reassuring my kids that their father does love them and they didn’t do anything wrong almost everyday.  I have to tell them that it was me and it is me that he’s mad at, not them.  And I tell them, when they ask, that it’s ok to love him too.  That they should love him because of who he is.  I don’t get that on the other end.

I’m not sure what is said to other people but it must be pretty bad because, especially if you know me, I’m not a mean or bad person.  I never intentionally try to hurt people and will actually go out of my way to help just about anyone who needs or deserves it.  I even tried to nicely tell “the other one” what she was getting herself into but naturally she didn’t believe me.    She probably believes I deserve to be treated this way.  Or maybe she doesn’t hear what he says to me.  I don’t know and I guess that really doesn’t matter either.

A Letter to an End

Okay my lovelies.  I’m just sitting here by myself and figured I’d share another old poem.  I’m not saying it’s extra deep or anything but I hope you get it and I hope you like it.  Here we go…

Dear Anyone

Dear Someone

Please pay attention

Mrs. Moon and Mr. Sun

Thank you so much for inviting mewp-1458159695645.gif

But it’s really time to go

It’s been some fun, honestly

And more trouble than you can know

I don’t mean to be impolite

I’ve been taught to not be rude

But I think I’d better go tonight

There’s no feeling to go with this mood

You really make a wonderful tea

The flavor is divine

No, don’t you worry about me

I’ll really be just fine

I need a break from all that’s worldly

Catch on to what I’m saying

Send me the check, I’m leaving early

No, really, I insist on paying

I’m going to heal, no more sores

Believe me you’ll all be missed

See you later, sincerely yours

All my love,

Kris

Good morning everyone.  No coffee today, I’m out and there’s no way of going out to get any.  I have no idea what’s keeping me going at this point.  There’s nothing left.  I just want my kids to be home and my life to not be constantly full of the most amount of stress I can handle.  How I’m handling it isn’t that great anyway.  I’m tired of being freaked outburn out fairy and losing every-freaking-thing that means anything to me at all.

Every single time I start to think that things might just be ok, something happens and each time is worse than the last.  I hate to think it and don’t mean to belittle what some people really are going through but the next thing I can expect is to be diagnosed with some kind of death sentence disease.

And of course I think, Why me?  What did I do?  Tell me how to fix it.  That’s not going to happen.  I really thought I was about to get things under control.  What a stupid thing to think.  You’d think I’d know better than that by now.  But like some masochistic glutton for punishment I just keep coming back for more.  I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.  I would have preferred to have a non-fatal stab wound than what actually happened Friday night.  I wish there would have never been a fight between me and the common interest that made me need to get out of the house.

Well, there’s no going back in time.  I’m just going to have to ride this one out too.  I’m getting so tired of trying but God knows what will happen if I give up.