Good morning my dearests.  I’m working on the second cup of coffee and the sun is still not even up.  In about 20 minutes, I’ve got to be out of here with my oldest daughter and the week will be underway.  I’m not sure how much more of this I’ve got in me.  Not the wp-1456823254787.jpegtaking care of everyone part, that is like air for me.  It’s everything else.  Of course I’m not sure how much longer that’s going to be an issue anyway.

Now I’m at the bus stop, waiting.  His truck is in the driveway and the house is dark.  I wonder what my dog is doing inside.  When I was still there, he’d want to be outside about now.  Maybe I have to learn he’s not my dog anymore.  I need to be away from here.  I guess in a few days even my parking spot will no longer be mine either.  I’ve been efficiently removed and someone else has my place.  Even the smallest things have been taken away and dispersed, given out like I never existed.

But there’s even worse than that.  These are dark days and as hard as I try, I cannot find the silver lining.  There is no “at least” in this one because all of the options are dismal.  There is nothing left.  Nowhere to turn and no one is coming to save me.  And I can’t save myself.  Not this time.  I’m trapped and at this point, I give up.  I’ve been very close before but this is the first time that I can say honestly, I lost.  I can’t win this one.  There’s not even a come-in-knda-even for this one.  Treading water and trying to “make it until August” is not enough.  There’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m there.  This fucker is blocked off and the train is barreling at me full speed.wp-1456830670647.gif

This post isn’t going public.  I’ll publish it to friends only.  There’s no need for people to see this that don’t need to.  It might be a while before I post anything else.  It might not be though since I’m using this almost like a journal at this point.  It helps me to write things and get it out of my head in some way and right now, I really need to.  Maybe in some fortuitous way, I’ll come out of this and right a memoir that other people in this situation will find helpful.  That you can be this close to living in your car and life can turn around.  And at least I’ll have a car to live in and he can take care of the kids.  There, there’s the silver lining.  Either this will get better and I’ll write a book or I have my car to sleep in.  I guess it could actually still be worse.

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