Good morning again my loves.  Having drunk about a pot of coffee and being left to my own devices has not brought about anything really good.  One of my biggest problems, possibly THE biggest problem, is that I think way too much.  If it’s not the cause, thinking too much at the very least exacerbates my anxiety and whatever dips into depression I might have.  I’d have to say as far as depression goes, it’s definitely the precursor.

I wish I could have happy thoughts.  Sometimes I do but it’s a rare occurance that it happens when I’m by myself.  Especially if I am out of/low on cigarettes. *smile*  But I wp-1457169387012.jpeggenerally live in memories and at this point even the good ones make me sad.  Maybe even more so than the bad ones.  And I have no idea really about my future so thinking ahead is entirely way too stressful to deal with right now.  I have enough stress dealing with the stress in the point of time that is my “now”, much less the stress of what’s to come.  Weird, huh?

I’ve been told that I’ll be kept as miserable as possible for as long as possible.  And also that I’d be taken care of and nothing bad would be allowed to happen to me, as well.  So there’s a great, big ball of confusion to try and wrap my head around.  If forced to choose which statement I believe most, I’d have to go with the former on that one.  Not that it matters much anyway but that’s some of the stuff that I try to accept.  Part of me, most likely the masochistic part, won’t let go of believing in the latter and that has left me with a hollowness that even pain can’t touch.

sad witchMaybe that’s another problem I need to address with myself.  I go through the days wondering how much more a person can take.  How much more crap and disappointment can I handle before I break?  Yet I stubbornly refuse to totally, truly let anything really go.  I don’t know why.  What do I hold on for?  It’s not like I want to be unhappy.  I try very hard each day to find reasons to smile and laugh.  I’m open to happiness though it seems closed to me most of the time.  But I can put that smile out there and hope for the best.  And so far I can keep getting up and doing it again tomorrow.  So here’s to tomorrow, right?  May it be better than today.

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