Good morning my darkling friends.  I have to say I love the weather today.  It’s gray and cloudy and, I can’t help it, that is more me.  I am not a sunshiney girl.  I’m a thunderstorm kinda girl.  It suits me more.

I’m in turmoil today.  Nothing is good right now.  Everything is a mess and I have this unsettling feeling that there’s something even more on the horizon.  This feeling has been bothering me for a while now but instead of getting better, it’s getting stronger which makes me think that whatever it is, it’s closer.  I would say very soon.  Of course I could embarassed fairybe wrong.  Hopefully I am wrong.  I’m just doubtful that I am this time.

Now, the smart thing to do would be to prepare but I don’t know what I’m preparing for so I’m not sure how or what I should do.  It doesn’t help matters that I’m just about paralyzed with anxiety.  And this feeling of turmoil is only enhancing the problem.  If there was just some peace in my life somewhere, if I had some place or person to visit to recuperate and catch my breath for a minute, maybe things would be better.

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Because, you see, I’m so very,very tired.  Tired of trying to be resilient.  Tired of pretending that I, and everything else, are basically OK.  Because, as I said before, nothing is.  When does it get better?  What do I have to do?  How many times do I, or can I, get back up after the rug has been ripped out from under me?  How much longer do I wait?  I don’t know.  I wish I did.  But it’s beginning to look like forever unless whatever this impending doom feeling is turns out to be the game changer.  And I’ll admit that I’m afraid of what it could be.  But for now I’ll continue to wait and see.  Its all I can think to do.

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