Good afternoon my lovely darklings.  I’ve spent a good portion of today debating whether or not I was going to write today and if so what and how would I write?  Once again, the things on my mind are either very unhappy and scary or still pretty new, though good, and scary as well.  It is Monday so I could focus on my weekend but that’s the new and scary stuff.  And I’m pretty well assured that anyone that reads this blog with any regularity is probably fairly tired of the other stuff.

Finally, I have a little bit of hope.  Well at least in one aspect of my life and I guess I’ll go with that without getting too very involved with it just yet.  My weekend actually went well.  I didn’t spend it alone or with just the kids for the first time in a long time.  And it was extremely nice to spend it with someone who didn’t shove me away anytime I tried to get close.  Someone who actually would ask me if I was ok and if I was sure I was ok.  Affection was not hard to come by and that, I am not used to.  images-5.jpg.jpeg

I guess that’s part of what made it kind of scary for me.  When I care about someone, I do it whole-heartedly.  And goodness help me if I’m in love with someone.  Then I’ll take all of the rejection and suck it up for those pieces and moments when even a smidgeon of what I’m feeling is returned to me.  I’ll wait, dying to get it.  Literally it feels like dying sometimes and when I’d get the bravery up to make an attempt and be pushed away or rejected or reminded why I’m unworthy of it, it’s like the knife goes straight through my heart to my soul and sits there, twisting and grinding into me.

wp-1453253871014.jpegSo I’ll have to admit, that’s something I’m going to have to work on and get over because that’s no one else’s fault but mine for allowing it to happen and someone who actually wants to touch me or talk to me or cuddle or whatever else, shouldn’t have to deal with my emotional and physical insecurities, right?  But the nice thing is that even though I was scared, it was ok too.  And sometimes all you need is for things to be just ok for a while.  That peace of mind leads to things that are way better than ok and maybe you can learn that that’s ok too.  Maybe some happiness can sneak into life.  It’s really great to feel good and happy and smile and for it to come naturally and not have to force it.

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