Archive for May, 2016


Good morning my lovelies.  I actually managed to scrounge together enough change to buy a coffee and, oh my God, it is so good.  I actually forgot how nice a good cup of coffee and a cigarette are for breakfast.  I am not used to not having money.  Though I am getting used to it.  It still sucks though and I don’t see me ever liking it.  Who does, right?  I’m not 63037164.gifgoing to hold my breath but hopefully at least some of the money might come today.  That would be so very helpful.

This has been a very interesting weekend.  I went out some.  Saw some people I haven’t seen in a long time and met some new ones.  Played pool for the first time in forever and actually did good and won.  It was a fluke though because I sucked at the second game which is more my style.  I at some crabs for the first time in forever too.  Driving home one night a guy at a stoplight told me I’m beautiful and asked if I’d let him kiss me at the next stop light.  I got to sleep without worry.  It’s been a very long time since that’s happened, probably close to a decade.  And I’m single again.

Now if I can just get the money situation under control, things would be pretty good.  There’s a job opportunity that I’m interested in that I’d be good at if I could ever get my cell phone turned back on.  That would help for where I’m falling short monetarily.  And I’m also going to be doing some editing on the side.  So if I can do the one, that should be able to work around my kids’ schedules, the editing can be done when I have free time or at night since I don’t really sleep anyway.  And even if I want to, I’ll be able to afford coffee, creamer, sugar and cigarettes so I’ll be able to stay awake when necessary.

So I guess the silver lining here would be that it’s almost safe to have some hope.  I’m doing it regardless.  Let’s hope (haha) that I’m not screwing myself on this one.  Men still seem to find me attractive, which is nice.  It looks like I might actually be able to make some money that isn’t controlled by anyone else.  I’m a free woman.  As long as I can keep from getting evicted, things might just maybe work out.  Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

 

Still Waiting

Good morning my darling dears.  I’ve finally got actual sugar for my coffee so that’s a good thing.  Now I’m out of creamer.  But I have milk so it’s all good.  That can work until I have some money.  I need to get all hopped up on coffee so I can get all of the things I was supposed to do over the weekend done since I did absolutely none of it.  I’d planned on cleaning and doing laundry but I just couldn’t be here.  Part of the reason for that, I’m sure wp-1454311846692.gifsome of you know.  The rest is because I miss my kids.

I haven’t even been allowed to talk to them.  They had to go stay with their father and the other one, there was no choice.  I don’t have enough food to feed them and it was made very clear that I am going to have to wait until the very end of the deadline before I’ll get any of my money.  No money means no grocery shopping and they’ve got to eat.  I don’t eat much anymore so I’ll get by somehow.  Maybe I’ll lose some more weight.  Gotta try and find that silver lining.

The thing is that there’s no reason for things to be this way.  It seems stupid and petty to me for everything that’s going on now to be happening.  And I am almost positive without the other one’s presence, our common interest would have let me have the money long before now.  He usually has before.  And that was even while arguing.  This time there wasn’t even any fighting so I don’t get it.  The common interest and I were getting along fine, or as fine as he’ll allow at this point I guess.  Of course it doesn’t help that people I thought were sort of friends are telling lies about me or at least exaggerating what truth wp-1457946881931.jpegthey did say with a bad spin.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I don’t need any help from them or the other one when it comes to starting stuff between myself and the common interest.  I’d rather have some semblance of a working relationship.  I get that we’re not going to be bunkies or buddies, at least not for a while.  I don’t know, maybe not ever again but we’ve got to get along in some fashion.  It’s messed up that someone who’s supposed to love our common interest would do shit to make his life more difficult just to get at me.

Fresh Hope

Good morning my gothlings.  I know this is particularly early for a Saturday morning but I keep waking up so I figured I might as well embrace it and have some coffee while I write a blog.  Yesterday morning I had my second ever, real deal seizure and then spent a good portion of the day falling in and out of sleep.  My head was all confused most of the day.  The doctor said my first seizure was caused by stress and given that I’ve got a lot more stress now, I’m guessing that’s what caused this second one.

The kids are all sleeping still.  One woke up long enough to ask for a hug and fall back to sleep.  But I’ve got a lot of stuff to do today and I’m trying my hardest to go into today with fresh hope.  Some serious cleaning needs to be done, along with some laundry.  That should take a good portion of the day if not the whole things.  My fresh hope is that even though “the other one” is here now, our common interest will do the decent thing and if you know me outside of this blog, you know what that is.

At this point there’s still only one way out of this situation that I can see.  But I simply can’t do it on my own.  If I could, it would be done and over with by now.  I don’t see any reason for a hold up but it’s not as if I can just talk to the common interest.  Every timesensual-fairy-fairies-30632454-1280-800.jpg that happens, it turns into an argument and I usually end up in tears.  My BFTP says it’s because there’s still too much love involved.  I’m not sure about all that.  But he’s further into his divorce than I am so maybe he knows something I don’t.

So anyway, any positive vibes sent this way will be gladly accepted.  I really don’t want to live in my truck.  And a trip to the grocery store would be pretty good.  Also, if I end up living in my truck, it would be freaking awesome to be able to afford some gas to drive it around at least.

Glimmer

Good morning my dearest darklings.  This morning is slightly improved from the last few.  I managed to bum two cigarettes from a gas attendant while a friend of mine got me $10 worth of gas.  Oh, and I snagged a few packets of sugar from a convenience store so I’ve got a cigarette and sugar in my coffee right now.  After this, that’s it but for right now, this very second, things are better than dismal.  After this cigarette and this cup of coffee, well, things go back to borderline.  But I’m grateful now.

If anything, this situation is definitely making me learn what humility means.  I have been very spoiled in some ways.  Ways that are not so easy now and asking for help, which is something I really hate to do, has made me humble.  Even though in the past couple of wp-1457169416963.gifdays it’s come with a bunch of anger from a pivotal person who I really prefer and don’t really need or want angry with me.

Despite how desolate yesterday started, it got better, then a little worse but still ended more positively than it began.  There is the barest glimmer of hope that I won’t be living in my car soon and that alone was enough to make the day better.  There are some important aspects that have to fall into place and it most likely requires a working relationship for at least a little while but as long as I don’t do anything to piss off the other part of the relationship, it should be ok.  Time is the important matter on this one.  Because if it’s not done soon enough, I will spend some time in my car.

gravestone angelSo for my sanity’s sake, and the comfort of my children, I’m hanging on to that little glimmer of hope.  With a death grip.  For all that I’m worth.  Which is actually a lot more than I’m usually given credit for.  The thing is, most people don’t believe me but I don’t want to do anything bad.  I don’t lie.  Everyone knows my secrets and it’s a lot easier to be honest than it is to lie.  And I’m not really good at it anyway.  I just want some semblance of peace and happiness in my life.  Being at a place that feels like home, with my kids, with them comfortable, happy and taken care of, is all I really want.  Which is good because I can barely afford even that.  lol

While I Have a Chance

Good morning my friends.  I know this one is kind of late for me but it’s been a busy morning.  Still drinking coffee with no sugar.  Still in dire need of smokes.  Still a freaking wreck.  But that’s all besides the point and not what this one is about though I’m sure I could go on a very elaborate rhetoric about all of it.

This one is to thank my friends for letting me lean so heavily on them for the last year and a few months.  There has been varying degrees on all of you.  Some of you have borne almost the full brunt of the burden of what my life has been since March 25, 2015.  For wp-1459017614624.gifsome of you, just dealing with me has probably been almost as bad as what I’ve dealt with just because I can be a lot to handle sometimes.  You know that saying “It takes a village to raise a child”?  Well it kind of takes one to raise a Krista too.  So all of you who have helped me and my kids deserves a great big thank you and, I don’t know, a trophy or medal or something.  Maybe a t-shirt that reads: I Survived Krista’s Breakdown.  If I ever get out of this…situation I’m in, which some of you do know about but I’m not explaining here, maybe I’ll have some made up and send them out to you.

I am forever grateful to those of you who talked to me through the night.  Told me it’s not a sin to cry.  Let me cry and didn’t make fun of me for it.  Allowed me to immerse myself in their problems so I didn’t have to deal with my own.  Sent me messages throughout the night and day to let me know someone cared about me and was thinking of me and my family when it seemed like those who should, didn’t.  Propped me up, kept me from jumping or just quietly listened while I freaked out and tried to make sense of things.  God and I aren’t always tight but I do believe that all of you are a blessing from him and I do truly love and appreciate all that all of you have taken onto yourselves and into your lives just to help me.  Cause who am I?  I’m no one special or particularly deserving of such love.  But, for whatever reasons, you all gave it to me.  So while I still have a chance, because I’m not sure how much longer I will, this is the best thank you I can give.  I’m still broke, broken and really have nothing else to offer but my words.  None of which are good enough for what I’ve been given.  But here they are.  Thanks and I love you.

Trying Very Hard

Good morning my lovelies.  I know I said it might be a while but I’m awake and I’ve got coffee and everyone else is asleep.  The Frasier episode I’m watching isn’t holding my attention, so here we are.

There’s really nothing new to say.  Has anything improved?  Nope.  Have they gotten worse?  Marginally.  If you just went by the cigarette issue and the fact that I’m downing cups of coffee with just creamer when I’m a cream and sugar girl, it’s really bad.  I’ve even attempted putting chocolate syrup in there and, just to save you, just in case, it doesn’t work.  I’m starting to get used to it though, so maybe this is a good thing.  Who needs all of that extra sugar, right?  It’s actually the whole cigarette issue that I’m having problems with.  And I’m not ready to quit yet.

The last two blogs were very depressing, I think.  So I’m trying to keep this one on the brighter side of things.  Is it working?  Maybe if I pretend hard enough even I’ll believe for a second or two.  I doubt it though.  I’m not delusional.  But I’ll pretend it’s all good for the kids’ sakes.  If I freak out, then they freak out.  Eventually, like very soon, I won’t be able to lie anymore when they ask if everything is going to be alright.  Maybe it will be for them, sort of, but not for all of us.  But as long as they’re ok, it’s alright.  It might as well be because there’s no changing it now.

Trip and Fall

Good morning my dearests.  I’m working on the second cup of coffee and the sun is still not even up.  In about 20 minutes, I’ve got to be out of here with my oldest daughter and the week will be underway.  I’m not sure how much more of this I’ve got in me.  Not the wp-1456823254787.jpegtaking care of everyone part, that is like air for me.  It’s everything else.  Of course I’m not sure how much longer that’s going to be an issue anyway.

Now I’m at the bus stop, waiting.  His truck is in the driveway and the house is dark.  I wonder what my dog is doing inside.  When I was still there, he’d want to be outside about now.  Maybe I have to learn he’s not my dog anymore.  I need to be away from here.  I guess in a few days even my parking spot will no longer be mine either.  I’ve been efficiently removed and someone else has my place.  Even the smallest things have been taken away and dispersed, given out like I never existed.

But there’s even worse than that.  These are dark days and as hard as I try, I cannot find the silver lining.  There is no “at least” in this one because all of the options are dismal.  There is nothing left.  Nowhere to turn and no one is coming to save me.  And I can’t save myself.  Not this time.  I’m trapped and at this point, I give up.  I’ve been very close before but this is the first time that I can say honestly, I lost.  I can’t win this one.  There’s not even a come-in-knda-even for this one.  Treading water and trying to “make it until August” is not enough.  There’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m there.  This fucker is blocked off and the train is barreling at me full speed.wp-1456830670647.gif

This post isn’t going public.  I’ll publish it to friends only.  There’s no need for people to see this that don’t need to.  It might be a while before I post anything else.  It might not be though since I’m using this almost like a journal at this point.  It helps me to write things and get it out of my head in some way and right now, I really need to.  Maybe in some fortuitous way, I’ll come out of this and right a memoir that other people in this situation will find helpful.  That you can be this close to living in your car and life can turn around.  And at least I’ll have a car to live in and he can take care of the kids.  There, there’s the silver lining.  Either this will get better and I’ll write a book or I have my car to sleep in.  I guess it could actually still be worse.

To My Own Devices

Good morning again my loves.  Having drunk about a pot of coffee and being left to my own devices has not brought about anything really good.  One of my biggest problems, possibly THE biggest problem, is that I think way too much.  If it’s not the cause, thinking too much at the very least exacerbates my anxiety and whatever dips into depression I might have.  I’d have to say as far as depression goes, it’s definitely the precursor.

I wish I could have happy thoughts.  Sometimes I do but it’s a rare occurance that it happens when I’m by myself.  Especially if I am out of/low on cigarettes. *smile*  But I wp-1457169387012.jpeggenerally live in memories and at this point even the good ones make me sad.  Maybe even more so than the bad ones.  And I have no idea really about my future so thinking ahead is entirely way too stressful to deal with right now.  I have enough stress dealing with the stress in the point of time that is my “now”, much less the stress of what’s to come.  Weird, huh?

I’ve been told that I’ll be kept as miserable as possible for as long as possible.  And also that I’d be taken care of and nothing bad would be allowed to happen to me, as well.  So there’s a great, big ball of confusion to try and wrap my head around.  If forced to choose which statement I believe most, I’d have to go with the former on that one.  Not that it matters much anyway but that’s some of the stuff that I try to accept.  Part of me, most likely the masochistic part, won’t let go of believing in the latter and that has left me with a hollowness that even pain can’t touch.

sad witchMaybe that’s another problem I need to address with myself.  I go through the days wondering how much more a person can take.  How much more crap and disappointment can I handle before I break?  Yet I stubbornly refuse to totally, truly let anything really go.  I don’t know why.  What do I hold on for?  It’s not like I want to be unhappy.  I try very hard each day to find reasons to smile and laugh.  I’m open to happiness though it seems closed to me most of the time.  But I can put that smile out there and hope for the best.  And so far I can keep getting up and doing it again tomorrow.  So here’s to tomorrow, right?  May it be better than today.

Good morning my darklings.  I’m few cups of coffee and even more cigarettes into this Sunday morning.  It’s very quiet this morning.  I don’t know if it’s the chilly, rainy weather (which we all know I prefer) or just the fact that it’s the end of the weekend but everyone but me seems to be sleeping in.  That’s cool and all but it’s kind of weird, everything being so still.  Seriously, even Facebook doesn’t have much going on right now.

So that leaves me here to ponder stuff.  That’s generally not a good thing, me being alone and thinking.  I’ve sorted some things out.  Information given to me last night has put some of my…suspicions is too strong of a word but the closest I can think of right now, to rest.  I guess it’s good enough to say that things make more sense now than they did fireflowerfairy.jpgyesterday.  Conformation is very good for clarity.

Anyway, I have to say I am very sore.  I’ve got bruises everywhere.  I’ve got scrapes and new claw marks that will soon be on their way to being new scars.  It would be great if that would stop but I’m not going to hold my breath.

I know this blog doesn’t have much of anything to say today but I was lonely and at least this way I can pretend I wasn’t alone.  Sad, I know but if anything, I’ll be honest about any patheticness going on.  So enjoy this apparently sleepy Sunday, dearests.  We can all be well rested for tomorrow.

Just A Poem For Today

Good morning my lovelies.  I’ve been infused with caffeine and nicotine.  Everyone has been fed and gotten off to school.  The cleaning up has begun but I’m taking a quick break and I figured I post something.

I’m doing something a little different today.  Today it’s just going to be one of my older poems.  But it’s one I like.  If you’ve read this far, I hope you like it too.

Tear Down

I’m coming to a close

Wondering why everyone can see mewp-1454311933720.gif

And nobody knows

Carnival at Krista’s is winding down

Everyone littered the trailways

And then left without a sound

The flashing little lights are off

And the freakish absurdities

Seem even less soft

The stale odor of life remains

Around the tied down flaps

And stupid, unwinnable games

Some animals stayed to rest their heads

Yet the most dangerous of all

Made it home to their beds

Rides are still and the flags have stopped flapping

Now with no one around

Only the ghosts do the clapping

It’s packed up and it’s gone before anyone’s aware

Of its good and its evils

Or that they might care