Archive for April, 2016


My First Weekend

Good evening my loves.  I’m into my first weekend in my first place that is mine alone.  I’m not doing too badly so far.  Everyone seems happy.  I’m not crying.  I call that a success.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am after all of this time to have an internet connection and television again.  It’s not perfect but so far I’ve been able to fix everything so it is a huge step forward for us.  I never thought we’d be able to survive this long on a TV and DVD player hooker up on my kitchen table but somehow we managed.wp-1457169401986.gif

I also never thought that any other man would be interested in me in any way and so far that’s proving to be an incorrect thought as well. Thank God.  I was completely prepared to spend the rest of my life in solitude and I’m learning that if I do that, it’s by my own choice.  My ex-husband’s opinion of me is not the only one like I believed it to be.  Thank goodness on that one too.  Because his opinion of me pretty much sucks.  lol  But he’s not leaving me alone either so it’s a bit confusing.

Really, none of that matters.  What matters to me right now is that my kids have an internet connection, TV to watch in their own rooms and I’m not using up all of my data by killing time on facebook and letting them play games.  Kids have come knocking on my door to ask for my kids to come out and play, so that’s a good thing.  Today started out like shit but it’s ending on a good note so far.  I just want to say I’m grateful for the good things that have happened today, looking forward to more tomorrow and accepting of the crap that happened earlier.

Final Hours

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Good morning my darlings.  No coffee just yet.  I’m spending this time especially just trying to breathe.  It’s more difficult than you would think and more uncomfortable than I would like.  I’m just a tiny bit very much stressed out.  Like bad, for real.

We are in the final hours of my marriage.  I guess technically the final hours, the death throes, were a while ago.  I just didn’t know it.  But now are the final legal hours I guess.  And I’m freaking out.  I haven’t been completely single since I was 23.  I’m not terribly old yet but that’s still a pretty long time.  And I’ve never been on my own.  I know that’s lame but that’s how it worked out.

In under 5 hours, I’ll be in the same courthouse I was in almost 14 years ago to get married, to now get divorced.  It’s a different room and a very different thing but he’ll still be on the right and I’ll be on the left. The only times I have ever been to this place were to get married and the times for this process.  Is that ironic?  Sad?  Freaking pathetic?  Or all of the above?

I don’t know.  I wish there was some way out of this.  It isn’t like I want what I had exactly but I never wanted this.  Anyway, the goal here is to keep breathing, not lose it outwardly and just get through it all.  Then, when I get home, if I need to freak out while everyone’s at school, I can.  I expect, I hope, to be numb.  I wish I was numb now.  So my friends, any good vibes sent this way will be much appreciated.  Again.

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