Good morning my lovely darklings.  I’ve got some fresh coffee but I’m running low on cigarettes so that’s not so cool.  I have to say I’m kind of nervous to see what today brings.  There’s so much that this day means to me now that as of year ago, I would have never, ever thought it would be.  In a million years I would haven’t believed that this day, this arbitrary day would hold some sort of anniversary for me.  It’s horrible to even use the word anniversary for this day.  An anniversary is supposed to be a celebration.  This isn’t that for me.

For now, and for the next week or so, my husband is still my husband.  He’s moved into the category of soon-to-be-ex-husband to be more accurate but as of today, for the lastwp-1456823245224.jpeg year, he hasn’t been completely mine.  I don’t know how long he hadn’t been completely mine that I was unaware of but  I’ve been promised answers to all of this at some point. I’m not sure how much weight I can put into these promises anymore.  Which is really sad because I believed that if there was one person whose word I could trust, someone who wouldn’t really hurt me on purpose, it was him.  Meanwhile, the whole time I was being told everything was getting better, he put his wedding ring back on and all was going to be fine, he was planning his exodus.

It’s bad enough when you know the person that you love, that you would never have left, plans on leaving.  It’s similar to being emotionally gutted when you get a phone call that who you thought was your forever is coming home long enough to pack some shit and walk out while you and your children are there watching him do it.  There are no words, and I’m a writer, to describe the shocked hurt when your whole future crashes down in one afternoon.  It puts a whole new spin on your ideas of love and trust and reality.

Since then, there were brief glimpses of hope, promises that were made, an occasional look into the person I thought he had has always been.  Not that we would ever be the same again but honestly, I don’t want what we had.  Everyone expected me to shrivel up and die.  I shriveled up some but I didn’t die.  He did make me learn that I’m stronger than gothiclilota.jpgI ever thought I could be.  So I guess in that sense I should be grateful.  Even in being cruel, he still made me a better person than I was before he left.

So I’m curious what today will be like once it gets going.  Am I going to be extra sad today?  Will I find some anger?  Or will this just generally be like any other day?  I guess the only way to find out is to get started and see where I end up by tonight.

Advertisements