Good morning my darklings.  Coffee was a bigger necessity that usual this morning.  It was yet another rough night in the Krueger house.  I’ll explain the reasons for that as I go.  There are some people, friends that I can trust that care for and love me the way that I am, that know what happened.  But for those of you who are reading and don’t know, I’ll run down the list of crap that happened yesterday.  Actually, it’s an extra long list so I’ll condense it.

If you read my blog yesterday, you know that an individual that I care a great deal for, said something pretty mean and completely unexpected and made me cry.  Then yesterdaywp-1453177299497.jpeg after I wrote about that, that same person told me that I am a zero.  Which was pretty close to what he’d said the day before.  Unfortunately my worth seems to be declining quickly.  In one day I went from not much to zero.  So that made two days in a row that he made me cry.  If he manages it again today, we’ll really be starting a roll.

Then there was a trip to patient first and the emergency room last night.  At the time, I had no idea why but it felt like a Charlie horse in my shoulder.  The pain was seriously immense, up the base of my skull and down into my hands.  I couldn’t move my head or arm.  It turns out that it’s some muscle spasm.  My shoulder muscles spasmed and seized up.  Guess what?  It’s brought on by stress. I also suffer from esophagus spasms caused by stress.  So I’m so stressed out that my shoulders are locking up and my throat is closing down.  All due to stress.

I’m internalizing so much pain and anger that my body is freaking out.  I’ve been, and continue to be, so hurt, so frequently and so badly that no matter how I try to handle it consciously, I’m physically shutting down.  I hope someone understands how severe that is.  And I hope that none of those friends I love and appreciate so much never know these feelings.  It would be best, really, if no one at all ever felt those ways.  But I do and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.