Good morning my loves.  Coffee has been ingested andl I didn’t even get sick.  WooHoo!  I do need to go get some more cigarettes though.  I cannot be without cigarettes yet.  I plan on quitting but now is not the time.  I’m not ready.  I’d probably freak out if I tried  now.

I’m so freaking tired right now.  Sleep doesn’t want to hang out with me right now.  I miss sleep though.  The middle of the night while the rest of the house is sleeping is very 6a56b5d0727a325c3e2db84756419e7c.jpglonely.  When all of your friends are tucked away in bed, sleeping their friendly sleeps and the person you’re in love with isn’t there to cuddle you up and make you fall asleep with the calming rhytthym of their breathing and the steady beat of their heart, the night is darker.

Plus I had a lot of stuff on my mind and in my heart.  It’s been a while since anyone has seen me cry.  The last person in the world that i’d want to see my cry saw me cry yesterday.  I know that when he won’t look e in the eyes, I know he’s either lying or hiding something from me.  So I asked him why he wouldn’t look me in the eyes.  And with total cold venom, he said, “Cause there’s nothing much to look at.”  Then my eyes welled up and I couldn’t stop it from happening. That was just so mean, unnecessary and unexpected that that comment went straight to me heart.

I wonder if that made any difference to him.  Does he know how high of an opinion I still hold on him?  Does he know that he wiped out every compliment I’ve gotten since he left with that one sentence?  Does it matter?  Does he care?  And then I have to ask myself, why do I still hold him in such high regard that I give him the power  to fuck me up and over with just a few mean words?