Good morning my loves.  Is there enough coffee in the world for Monday mornings?  I’m not too sure about that.  I’m trying my best though.  Guzzling mug after mug of coffee is not helping my stomach out though.  Some people are going to expect that it’s pancreatitis that’s making this pain but it isn’t.  Trust me.  I’ve had that enough that I don’t even need a doctor to tell me that’s what I have.  This is different.

Once everyone is off to school I’ll be spending a large chunk of my day going back and forth between the two houses.  I’m going to be honest and say that as of right now I’m not feeling it.  Not that that matters.  Stuff needs to get done and time is getting nothing butgothic-2.gif shorter.  It’s such a twisted emotional thing.  I’m excited and nervous.  I’m happy to start this new stage of my life and sad to leave this old one behind.  What do I do about that?

People will say time heals all wounds.  I guess that’s true.  I’ve had one other devastating loss.  Time has eased that some so I guess it will do the same for this.  I just think that like that one, this one is as healed as it is going to be.  Maybe, like that, I will have to learn to live with this.  I think this is the one that pushed me over the edge to the dark.  Of course I’ll still smile and laugh but inside, there’s not much left anymore.  The wounds are too much.  The hole is too great now.

Yesterday I was told I’m beautiful by one guy and gorgeous by another.  Once that would have made me almost giddy.  Now it’s nice but I don’t see how it really matters now.  I’m grateful that the world at large doesn’t find me unappealing but I can see how fragile words are now.  Anyone can say anything.  I don’t want that anymore.  But actions don’t say much either.  It seems, right now, that there’s nothing left to trust.