Archive for March, 2016


One More Big Change Among Many

Good morning my lovely darklings.  I have cigarettes but I’m gonna have to travel for coffee.  That’s fine.  If you happen to be awake and its still dark, go look at the moon.  It is particularly lovely tonight.  So full in its partiality, bright and smoky with clouds, bright enough to drown out stars.

Today is my last day in the house that has been my home for the last 9 years.  In a sense I’m glad to leave.  There’s

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just too many memories and too much bad karma here to keep dealing with.  On the other hand I’m sad to go because there are so many memories here.  This is this first house my (still) husband and I bought together.  Our youngest daughter has never lived anywhere else and the poor thing is stuck between wanting her mommy and wanting what’s most familiar.

Some of the memories I’ll be glad to be rid of.  Some are going to hurt.  Again.  For probably, hopefully, the last time.    What’s sad is that I’m the only one they mean anything to.  I’m fairly sure my soon to be ex-husband was done before we ever even moved here.  We bought a home for a family he didn’t want and it was a downward spiral from there.

But here is what I know for certain, when we got married, I meant it.  When I said forever, I meant until the end.  The end just came much sooner than I ever expected it to.

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It’s Been A Year

Good morning my lovely darklings.  I’ve got some fresh coffee but I’m running low on cigarettes so that’s not so cool.  I have to say I’m kind of nervous to see what today brings.  There’s so much that this day means to me now that as of year ago, I would have never, ever thought it would be.  In a million years I would haven’t believed that this day, this arbitrary day would hold some sort of anniversary for me.  It’s horrible to even use the word anniversary for this day.  An anniversary is supposed to be a celebration.  This isn’t that for me.

For now, and for the next week or so, my husband is still my husband.  He’s moved into the category of soon-to-be-ex-husband to be more accurate but as of today, for the lastwp-1456823245224.jpeg year, he hasn’t been completely mine.  I don’t know how long he hadn’t been completely mine that I was unaware of but  I’ve been promised answers to all of this at some point. I’m not sure how much weight I can put into these promises anymore.  Which is really sad because I believed that if there was one person whose word I could trust, someone who wouldn’t really hurt me on purpose, it was him.  Meanwhile, the whole time I was being told everything was getting better, he put his wedding ring back on and all was going to be fine, he was planning his exodus.

It’s bad enough when you know the person that you love, that you would never have left, plans on leaving.  It’s similar to being emotionally gutted when you get a phone call that who you thought was your forever is coming home long enough to pack some shit and walk out while you and your children are there watching him do it.  There are no words, and I’m a writer, to describe the shocked hurt when your whole future crashes down in one afternoon.  It puts a whole new spin on your ideas of love and trust and reality.

Since then, there were brief glimpses of hope, promises that were made, an occasional look into the person I thought he had has always been.  Not that we would ever be the same again but honestly, I don’t want what we had.  Everyone expected me to shrivel up and die.  I shriveled up some but I didn’t die.  He did make me learn that I’m stronger than gothiclilota.jpgI ever thought I could be.  So I guess in that sense I should be grateful.  Even in being cruel, he still made me a better person than I was before he left.

So I’m curious what today will be like once it gets going.  Am I going to be extra sad today?  Will I find some anger?  Or will this just generally be like any other day?  I guess the only way to find out is to get started and see where I end up by tonight.

Tomorrow

I haven’t posted in a bit but I just want to let those of you who read this fairly regularly, there will be a blog tomorrow.  It’s a date I think I’ll have to address.  Whether it will be sad, angry or just matter of fact has yet to be decided.

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More Stupidity

It would seem, my darkling loves, that there are people in this world that just can’t get enough of hearing themselves spew forth shit.  Unfortunately, this says a lot about the kind of person they are and none of it is good.  I think a good rule of thumb for pretty much everyone is to take care of your own marriage before you start fucking with someone else’s.  I’m just saying.  Before anyone dives into someone else’s problems, they might want to handle their own less they strangle themselves on their own lose ends.  Just a thought for mouthy little bitches who have nothing better to do with their time and are so gothic_face_painting_ii_by_harlequi.jpginsecure that even when their “soulmate” isn’t being pursued, they feel the need to be, on the smallest scale of things, an irritating nuisance.

Here’s a newsflash for such said women, if he’s your soulmate, you don’t have to worry.  And if you have doubts, that’s on you.  A soulmate doesn’t leave room for doubts.  If you have them, you need to question yourself and the bullshit you’re filling the world with.  Or, as is what I’d prefer, confront the other woman who wasn’t the other woman to begin with.  Here’s the deal, another tired and true rule: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.  Sleep soundly at night with that thought.

I’m tired of backhandedly fighting over and for someone who doesn’t deserve it.  I won’t start anything but I sure as hell will finish it.  I say this because I have one of those nuisances.  Mine hides behind our common interest and cries like a bitch when I strike to close to home in reply.  Either stand up like a woman or sit down and shut the fuck up.  Get over yourself and what you think is important.  No one is impressed with  make pretend bullshit.  Not around here anyway.  It would be better advice to go mess with one of your other boyfriend’s wives because I will drop a bomb of truth and no one but me is going to enjoy watching the fallout.

Later, I Promise

Don’t worry my darklings.  I’ve been extra busy lately but there’ll be a post later.  Promise.

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Good morning my darlings.  I’ve got my coffee and what not.  I really don’t know what I want to say today.  I mean, I wrote two blogs yesterday and nothing much has happened since then.  It just seems right that I have a presence here today in some fashion.  So here it is for now.  I’m present.  I’m not attacking and retreating.  I just don’t have anything to talk about right now.  Maybe later.  Sorry guys.

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A Necessary Response

Good afternoon my dearests.  I’m sorry to draw any of you into this if you don’t want to be but there is only so much shit one person can take and I’m way beyond my limit.  Here is a facebook post that was left for me by my husband’s girlfriend in response to yesterday’s blog post:  wp-1458132261861.jpeg

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice, don’t you think?  Especially from a woman with the maturity of a teenager, maybe, who hides behind social media and my husband.  Any person who has a spine, or half the heart or pride it take to be a woman, or the woman my husband is really going to spend his life with, around his children, who has the strength it takes to live this life with him, would be able to talk to me instead of posting bullshit on facebook.

It’s also take a super self-involved, spoiled brat to think that everything that I post on my own facebook, in my blog that I’ve had for years, has to do with her.  Because that person is so egotistical that they believe the whole world revolves around her and I have nothing better to do with my time.  I could give a shit about her.  The person I care about is still, at this time, my time husband, who believes the innocent crap she’s playing at when she’s far from that.  I care about my children.  And the fact that I know she is incapable.

The sociopath is not me.  I have owned up to what I’ve done wrong and tried to repeatedly to apologize and make amends.  A sociopath is not going to tell the truth or apologize.  They can’t, I can.  I’m not trying to get attention.  They do, I’m not.  They are unable to feel guilt, I can and do.  Perhaps the sociopath is the one who’s pretending to be something she’s not and lying to the man who is supposed to have his heart and best interest at hers.  No matter what, I loved that man for the man that he is.  I still do.

Good morning my loves.  Just for today I’m going to skip my usual rhetoric about coffee and cigarettes.  If you’ve read more than one of my blogs, you probably know.  This time I want to start with thanking all of my friends for coming to me yesterday with shoulders to lean on and advice.  I truly am shocked and humbled by the amount of people that read my blog yesterday and how quickly you guys responded.

I didn’t think that many people cared about me.  I mean, who am I?  No one particularlywp-1453971143637.gif important.  Kind of a screw up. lol  But some of you don’t care about that and love me anyway.  Thank you.  Trust me, it’s appreciated, really needed since I’ve had my heart trashed and completely reciprocated.

You may be wondering, did we get to three days in a row of being forced to tears?  The answer for that one is yes.  But the upside of that is that yesterday’s tears were mostly anger, stress and frustration.  And, yes, this morning my back and shoulder are killing me.  I’m hoping that the coffee stays down because my esophagus is doing it’s spasm thing as well.  I’ve got some muscle relaxers but they’re not doing it.  I guess this is something I’ve got to learn to deal with.  What’s one more kind of pain?  I am starting to wonder how much pain, how much crap, how much too much of everything I’m going to be able to keep coming back from.

The thing is that I guess we never know how much we can take.  I’m not saying I’m not broken because I completely am.  But thank God I’ve got my friends holding my pieces together until I can do it all by myself.

Spasms

Good morning my darklings.  Coffee was a bigger necessity that usual this morning.  It was yet another rough night in the Krueger house.  I’ll explain the reasons for that as I go.  There are some people, friends that I can trust that care for and love me the way that I am, that know what happened.  But for those of you who are reading and don’t know, I’ll run down the list of crap that happened yesterday.  Actually, it’s an extra long list so I’ll condense it.

If you read my blog yesterday, you know that an individual that I care a great deal for, said something pretty mean and completely unexpected and made me cry.  Then yesterdaywp-1453177299497.jpeg after I wrote about that, that same person told me that I am a zero.  Which was pretty close to what he’d said the day before.  Unfortunately my worth seems to be declining quickly.  In one day I went from not much to zero.  So that made two days in a row that he made me cry.  If he manages it again today, we’ll really be starting a roll.

Then there was a trip to patient first and the emergency room last night.  At the time, I had no idea why but it felt like a Charlie horse in my shoulder.  The pain was seriously immense, up the base of my skull and down into my hands.  I couldn’t move my head or arm.  It turns out that it’s some muscle spasm.  My shoulder muscles spasmed and seized up.  Guess what?  It’s brought on by stress. I also suffer from esophagus spasms caused by stress.  So I’m so stressed out that my shoulders are locking up and my throat is closing down.  All due to stress.

I’m internalizing so much pain and anger that my body is freaking out.  I’ve been, and continue to be, so hurt, so frequently and so badly that no matter how I try to handle it consciously, I’m physically shutting down.  I hope someone understands how severe that is.  And I hope that none of those friends I love and appreciate so much never know these feelings.  It would be best, really, if no one at all ever felt those ways.  But I do and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.

Smile Through the Tears

Good morning my loves.  Coffee has been ingested andl I didn’t even get sick.  WooHoo!  I do need to go get some more cigarettes though.  I cannot be without cigarettes yet.  I plan on quitting but now is not the time.  I’m not ready.  I’d probably freak out if I tried  now.

I’m so freaking tired right now.  Sleep doesn’t want to hang out with me right now.  I miss sleep though.  The middle of the night while the rest of the house is sleeping is very 6a56b5d0727a325c3e2db84756419e7c.jpglonely.  When all of your friends are tucked away in bed, sleeping their friendly sleeps and the person you’re in love with isn’t there to cuddle you up and make you fall asleep with the calming rhytthym of their breathing and the steady beat of their heart, the night is darker.

Plus I had a lot of stuff on my mind and in my heart.  It’s been a while since anyone has seen me cry.  The last person in the world that i’d want to see my cry saw me cry yesterday.  I know that when he won’t look e in the eyes, I know he’s either lying or hiding something from me.  So I asked him why he wouldn’t look me in the eyes.  And with total cold venom, he said, “Cause there’s nothing much to look at.”  Then my eyes welled up and I couldn’t stop it from happening. That was just so mean, unnecessary and unexpected that that comment went straight to me heart.

I wonder if that made any difference to him.  Does he know how high of an opinion I still hold on him?  Does he know that he wiped out every compliment I’ve gotten since he left with that one sentence?  Does it matter?  Does he care?  And then I have to ask myself, why do I still hold him in such high regard that I give him the power  to fuck me up and over with just a few mean words?