Good morning my loves.  I’m definitely behind this morning.  Cheers reruns are on, the coffee isn’t done yet and I’m only on my first cigarette of the day.  I’m actually attempting a salad.  Let’s all hope I keep it down.  I’m freaking hungry!  One of my doctors feels more vegetables should help with that.  As hard as a vegetable is to digest, they’re easier than protein so my odds of keeping them down are better.  Luckily I like salads and stuff but sometimes a person really just wants a cheeseburger.

Yesterday was fairly interesting.  Most of it was good.  But not all.  It would be stupid to expect that though.  It’s a rare day, in my world, that everything goes well all day long.  Ok.  It’s more like that’s never happened and I don’t even really hope for it.  If I can get through the day without being screamed at and not breaking down into tears, I call it a wp-1454831534001.gifsuccess.  That may sound pretty pathetic but I’ve learned that lower standards equals a generally happier me.

More people than ever have before looked at my blog yesterday.  That was kind of cool.  I wish that it listed who visited but it doesn’t.  I can see where people are from but not who they are.  Through that it was brought to my attention that I shouldn’t let my current situation affect my memories of what things were like before they really turned to shit.  I think I mostly do.  Believe me, when things are rough and I’m here by myself, in my bed, cuddling my blanket because I no longer have a person to cuddle and it’s quiet, memories are what soothe me into relaxed enough to finally close my eyes and possibly sleep for a little while.

I pull those memories around me like the world’s warmest, most comfortable blanket and settle into them.  I can close my eyes and take a mental stroll through the high points of the last thirteen years or so of my life.  There are so many moments of hugs, kisses, sex, love and laughter and I can experience any of them whenever I want without being accused of anything or bothering anyone.  The only person I hurt by doing that is myself but the hurt is incomparable to the brief touches of happiness I feel.  I carry the sadness inside of me all of the time and if I get some respite from that, I’ll do what I have to to get it.  I’m not hurting anyone by doing that, right?

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