Oh my darklings, I am so sick.  This coffee and this cigarette are going to feel like death to me but I have to have them.  Even if there was nothing to say this morning, I would still need them.  Or want them really because no one really needs caffeine or nicotine.  It just really feels that way.  So I’m going to deal with it.  It’s going to hurt.  So bad.  So very, very badly.  It will be a crushing, Charlie horse spasm of pain in the center of my chest butwp-1454831577716.gif either way I’m going to be some level of uncomfortable.  I might as well get what I want in the process, right?

To be perfectly honest, I’m suffering anyway.  This is just the physical part of things.  I’d take physical over emotional any day.  That is the worst for me.  It just makes anything I’m feeling physically that much worse to deal with.  I’m used to hurting in some form or another.  It sucks but that’s life.  Just keep moving forward and learn to deal with the ache.

I’m not saying that I’m totally unhappy.  Please don’t think I’m that much of a downer.  What I’m trying to say is that I’m learning to adjust to this level of happiness.  You’ve got to enjoy what you can.  Even if you hurt it’s better if you can find something good and latch on to it.  Accept what it is and revel in every aspect of joy you can find.  That’s what I’m trying to do and I’m managing to survive the worst year of my life.  It’s supposedly the worst year of life for the person who has caused this worst year of my life.

It’s also pretty sick that I care at all that this person is having a bad year.  It’s sick that I feel bad for that person but I do.  Well hopefully things will get better for everyone involved.  Nobody needs to be completely unhappy all of the time.  There’s no reason for that.

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