Good morning my lovelies.  I thought for a while about whether I should bother to blog at all anymore, much less write one for today.  It seems that for the most part all this does is cause me trouble.  Then I thought, you know, how much more trouble can I get in for something that isn’t hurting anyone? Does it get much worse than that?  So I’ve poured wp-1454311846692.gifmy cup of coffee and lit my cigarette and here we are.

Oh, my dear ones, I’m so, so tired.  I need to be able to lay down and just go to sleep for a while.  The kind of sleep where I’m not at least partially listening for basically anything while I’m doing it.  It would be great to wake up and stretch and enjoy those first couple seconds when the day hasn’t fallen on you yet and you just feel good.  I haven’t done that in so long.  I wake up now and as soon as I’m partially conscious, anxiety slams into me and it’s grip rarely lessens.  I’m tired of that feeling.  That fine tremble that constantly runs through me because I don’t have a dependable safe person or place even anymore.

Well I guess that isn’t exactly true.  I do have my friends and I do have my car.  It would be really nice to be able to lean into someone and just relax and breathe.  I miss closing my eyes and knowing I was safe for a few minutes.  Doesn’t everyone need that once in a while?  I do and I haven’t had that in a long time either.  Now I’m constantly held down.  I’m told to succeed but then reminded that I’ll fail.  I’m told to move on but then no one is good enough.  I’m told to do better and then shown how I screw up.  I’m tired of all of that too.

I need a break.  A person can only take so much constant pressure before they break.  And I cannot break right now.  Right now I’m the person people come to for hugs and support and encouragement.  Those people are the most important to me and they need that more than I need to be pleasing enough to be worthy of a hug.  They need kind words more than I do.  So I guess I’ll just keep picking myself back up and going at it.  If I’m given no other choices that’s the best and only thing I can do.

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