Archive for February, 2016


Not A Bad Day

Good morning my darlings.  I’m impatiently waiting on my coffee.  These minutes that it takes for a pot to brew have got to be extra long somehow.  I have no idea how time knows to slow things down because I want coffee but it does.  It’s not fait though.  There was only about an hour and a half between one third of my kids going to bed like the other two and another one waking up.  That’s practically nightly and that makes for a very tired me.  And that, my friends, means coffee is very important.

Anyway, I made the stuffed flounder last night and it was all eaten and well liked.  Thank goodness.  I was a little nervous because yesterday was the first time I cooked using the stove at the new house and it’s electric.  I’ve never used an electric stove before and they do heat up a lot faster than a gas stove.  It’s not like I’m known for my cooking skills as it wp-1453177372685.gifis without needing a learning curve to go with it.  I think I am much better than I used to be though.  Most of my kids are very picky eaters and they like what I cook enough that no one has starved.

Yesterday was also better than usual because there was no real fighting going on.  There was some contention but barely and briefly.  I wish there was none.  There’s no real reason for there to be any.  It’s not as if any of us need the extra stress in our lives.  Who wants to fight all of the time?  I surely don’t.  It doesn’t help any that I usually lose one way or another.  Either I lose the fight or I win but my feelings get stomped all over.  But anyway, that didn’t happen yesterday so that’s a good one in my book.

Dinner and Deciding

Good morning my lovelies.  I had to make my own coffee this morning.  That would have been fine if I hadn’t  ripped the scab off of one my busted knuckles in the process.  That kind of hurt and sucked to wake up to but I guess shit happens.  A little blood sacrifice to the coffee gods. lolwp-1454831639275.jpeg

I’ve managed the grocery store this morning.  Some things for this house and some things for the soon to be home.  There are plans for dinner tonight.  The kids that are difficult will be having hotdogs and French fries.  The rest of us are having stuffed flounder and cheesy rice and broccoli.  I think that sounds fairly awesome.  I will definitely be taking the digestive medicine in plenty of time for dinner tonight.  Let’s hope I can keep this down.

There’s lots of laundry and sorting still going on.  I was advised to break everything down to the “must haves” but I’ve been basically living on must haves for almost a year now.  I guess that means I have to go to “what can’t we possibly live without?”

I guess as I go I’ll figure it all out.  I still have a little more than a month to get out of here so I’ll have to use the time as best I can.  The sooner the better I think.  I’m sure he thinks that too.

First Storm

Good morning my darklings.  I’m trying to convince my son to make some coffee.  So far no dice.  I may just have to make him.  Ok.  Coffee is being made.  We will survive.

So last night I experienced the first thunderstorm at my new house.  And boy was it a big one.  But I love thunderstorms so I took it as a good sign.  It was very nice to sprawl for a wp-1454831577716.gifcouple of minutes on two bean bag chairs with some incense burning and listen to the rain pouring down and the thunder rumbling in the sky.  There was some music playing kind of softly in the background.  Just being able to just be calm and breathe was really therapeutic.

What wasn’t very cool was driving across a flooded underpass through too much rain water to get back to my kids.  I probably shouldn’t have done it but it was necessary.  And I was lucky enough to get to the house and get my new kitchen table in before the downpour started.  I have to leave my kitchen set here because it won’t fit in the new place.  That kind of sucks because I really do love this set.  And it was one of the last things my husband and I picked out together.  But such is life I guess.

I just have to focus on the good stuff in the situation.  How many people get two new kitchen sets in the same amount of years, right?

Title Goes Here

Good morning my dears.  I’m waiting on the coffee.  It can’t come fast enough.  I’ve got the beginnings of a migraine and I just want to go back to sleep but that’s not going to happen.  There isn’t time.  So I’ll just get all jacked up on coffee and sugar and hope for the best.

I’m in the process of moving stuff from this house to the new one still.  I have no idea how long this is going to take since it’s just a little at a time.  The only sure thing is that it wp-1453766488489.jpegwon’t take longer than April 1st.  It’s hard to decide what to take when.  We’re still living here so we need stuff here.  But eventually there’s going to have to be one big shift.  Hopefully it will go more smoothly than I’m picturing in my head.

Hold on.  I need another cup of coffee.  Ok.  That’s a little better.  I think I might feel even better if I could eat something.  I’m hungry all of the time but it’s like why bother to eat when I’ll just get sick anyway?  The upside is it isn’t like it’s going to kill me.  I have more weight I could lose.  I can’t really afford to keep buying new clothes though.

Sorry I’m all over the place this morning.  I think I’m just going to take some Excedrin migraine and lay down.  Just not go to sleep.

Sunday Morning

wp-1454831569501.gifGood morning my darklings.  I am about to have my first cup of coffee for the day and here’s the cool thing about that, my son made it for me for the first time.  Let’s hope it tastes good or I’m going to have to lie my way through a pot of it.  I won’t have the heart to tell him if it’s bad on his first try.

I’ve been pretty busy lately.  I got the keys to the townhouse Friday and I’m slowly moving things in.  There’s plenty of time to get it done but I’m finding it a little difficult that there’s nowhere to sit while we’re there.  And the kids get bored because the TV and stuff aren’t hooked up yet.  But I need to have it here for the time being.  I’m already paying for a month and a half that I don’t need to to have the house because I have until April to leave this one.  I can’t pay for Verizon in two houses too.

I really hope this place has better juju than this house.  Starting over should come with good vibes.  The opportunities should be bright.  I don’t really need that much positivity.  I’d settle for just not bad at this point.  No major mistakes.  No disasters.  That would be pretty freaking awesome.  We’re going for tentatively hopeful here.  Possibly kind of happy.  Eventually.

And just so you know, in case you were wondering, the coffee was good.

Hopefully This Streak Continues

Good morning my darlings.  The coffee has just finished brewing, I’ve cleaned up a bit around here and it’s time to chill for a minute and have a drink and a smoke.  Things are seemingly continuing to go well.  I hope they do.  I wish there was some way to ensure that they do.  I’m grateful for what’s been happening.  But I’m in terror of the other boot dropping.  There’s no room for screwing up.  I guess the best thing for me to do is be thankful for what good has come and keep my head down, move forward and try not to get derailed somehow.wp-1454831517741.gif

I went on an interview yesterday and they want me to come back in for a second one.  That’s got to be a good sign, right?  And tomorrow I can get the keys to the townhouse and start moving some of my stuff.  I’ve got to get insurance and the BGE turned on first.  I’ll do that later today.  After my doctor’s appointment I guess.  I think I’m going to need to get some stuff for the house.  The kids are going to need nightstands for their rooms and what not.  I’d like to get some new end tables, a coffee table and some lamps.  It’ll have to be a piece at a time though.  I’m kind of excited but I’m also kind of afraid to be.

Is it twisted that I want to be happy but am completely afraid to be?  I’ve never been able to just relax into a good moment.  I’ve never done it on my own either.  Being a team player has always been my way.  I could probably have another teammate but I don’t want one.  I mean, I do but not the ones that are offering.  Their fine for friends and stuff but there’s only one person that I really want on my team and like I’ve said before, that person comes and goes.  The only thing I can think to do about that is to let that situation run it’s course and stay moving forward on mine.  I think I’m getting better as a person, taking responsibility for things and trying to improve.  If everything goes well I’ll become appealing to someone that I find appealing one day.  Either way I will never be in this situation again.

Good News

wp-1454311870475.gifGood morning my lovelies.  I know this is later than usual but I trashed the other post I had written.  A lot of things happened yesterday and there’s a lot happening today.  It’s all pretty scary to me because it’s so different from the way things have always been but I think it’ll be good in the long run.

Yesterday I signed a lease for a townhouse.  So now I won’t have to live in my truck with the kids.  Bonus for us.  I also followed up on a job and have an interview this afternoon.  It’s not necessarily a great job but it’s a job and I haven’t had one for the last 14 years.  Not that I haven’t been doing nothing that whole time.  I’ve been a stay at home wife and mother and that is a tough job.  I actually have it on my resume. lol  I put done that my last job was working for the Krueger family because it is experience and it is what I’ve been doing this whole time.  I also started the process of having an in between web store.  So once I get that all set up, I’m counting partially on you readers to get some people to my site.  Please. 🙂

So it would seem that all of my ducks are lining up.  I’ve got a car.  I’ve got a place to live.  I’ve got a job interview and the start of an on line thing that I can do from home.  Please, God, let this all work out for me and my family.

Scarring Over

Good morning my darklings.  It’s icy and cold but I’ve got coffee and cigarettes.  The schools are closed again but I’ve got snacks, TV’s and computers.  So it might be alright.  Everyone’s getting a little stir crazy.  After an eventful Saturday and being sort of stood up Sunday, a pretty much snowed in Monday and following it up with this today…I can’t say I blame them.  I’m lucky everyone has gotten along so well this far.  I’ll have to be inventive today to keep the peace.

That’s ok though.  Things could be worse.  This time last month, they were.  So I’m still grateful for the way things are now.  Things aren’t great but I’ve had enough crap to appreciate it not being that way at this point.  wp-1455436453785.png

I’ve learned a great big lesson over the last year.  Be very, very careful where I place my trust.  It’s a lesson I’m still learning really, I guess, because it’s just my nature to trust people.  I generally don’t go in to things expecting people to be misleading.  Especially not the people that I counted among my most trusted but it seems that is a fact in most cases.  My absolute most trusted and closest, or who once was, will lie, omit and twist things.  Half yeses or nos.  Then hiding.  I just don’t get all of that when telling the truth would be so much easier for everyone involved.

There’s got to be some easier way to get over this.  I just keep getting betrayed over and over in minor and major ways and I allow it to happen.  That’s just stupid.  And I’m not a stupid person.  My ability to love and trust have been obliterated and are scarring over.  I don’t think it’s going to be a scar that can be hidden either.  It’s not going to be quirky, something possibly oddly attractive.  It’s going to make me cold eventually.  I hope.  That way it won’t hurt anymore.

Valentine’s Day

Good morning my lovelies.  Happy Valentine’s Day.  This will be the first one in over 13 years that I’m spending without a significant other.  I’m not sure how I feel about that right now.  I’m not crying so that’s a bonus.  I’m not really happy about it either.  With a girlfriend in another state, he’s alone too.  And except for his belief in his dislike of me, there’s no reason either of us should have to be alone.  I actually dreamed about it lastwp-1453971201383.gif night.  That was a first.

I did receive a gift yesterday that did not come from one of my kids.  That was unexpected but a very nice surprise.  I took the kids bowling yesterday and then out to eat.  As I was going to pay the waitress informed me that someone had bought dinner for us already as a Valentine’s gift to me.  There wasn’t anyone there that I recognized so I have no idea who it could have been and the waitress couldn’t tell me.  I thought it was nice.  Some other people thought it was creepy/scary and asked if I noticed anyone following us home (us being me and the kids).

The rest of today will probably be spent doing loads of romantic laundry.  I’ll look at past gifts and reminisce I guess.  Or maybe the kids will be elsewhere and I’ll go out with someone.  No sense in being lonely if I don’t have to be.  Right.  I’m tired of loneliness and being rejected by the person I want when it seems like other people are willing to pay me some attention.

Oh who am I kidding?  I’m not going to go anywhere with anyone today.  It will probably be me the kids and the dog sitting here.  I’m almost positive that I could make a change if I was given a chance.  I’d like to try but I’m pretty tired of putting myself out there and things going poorly, as well.  It’s still early.  The sun isn’t even up yet.  Maybe cupid will be good to me this year.  Last year among all of the presents I asked him if that meant he loved me.  His response was, “I got you presents, didn’t I?”  In retrospect I guess that actually meant no.

Memories

Good morning my loves.  I’m definitely behind this morning.  Cheers reruns are on, the coffee isn’t done yet and I’m only on my first cigarette of the day.  I’m actually attempting a salad.  Let’s all hope I keep it down.  I’m freaking hungry!  One of my doctors feels more vegetables should help with that.  As hard as a vegetable is to digest, they’re easier than protein so my odds of keeping them down are better.  Luckily I like salads and stuff but sometimes a person really just wants a cheeseburger.

Yesterday was fairly interesting.  Most of it was good.  But not all.  It would be stupid to expect that though.  It’s a rare day, in my world, that everything goes well all day long.  Ok.  It’s more like that’s never happened and I don’t even really hope for it.  If I can get through the day without being screamed at and not breaking down into tears, I call it a wp-1454831534001.gifsuccess.  That may sound pretty pathetic but I’ve learned that lower standards equals a generally happier me.

More people than ever have before looked at my blog yesterday.  That was kind of cool.  I wish that it listed who visited but it doesn’t.  I can see where people are from but not who they are.  Through that it was brought to my attention that I shouldn’t let my current situation affect my memories of what things were like before they really turned to shit.  I think I mostly do.  Believe me, when things are rough and I’m here by myself, in my bed, cuddling my blanket because I no longer have a person to cuddle and it’s quiet, memories are what soothe me into relaxed enough to finally close my eyes and possibly sleep for a little while.

I pull those memories around me like the world’s warmest, most comfortable blanket and settle into them.  I can close my eyes and take a mental stroll through the high points of the last thirteen years or so of my life.  There are so many moments of hugs, kisses, sex, love and laughter and I can experience any of them whenever I want without being accused of anything or bothering anyone.  The only person I hurt by doing that is myself but the hurt is incomparable to the brief touches of happiness I feel.  I carry the sadness inside of me all of the time and if I get some respite from that, I’ll do what I have to to get it.  I’m not hurting anyone by doing that, right?