Oh my dear, dear darklings.  I would love to say good morning to you as per the norm.  But that would imply that I’ve been to sleep, though it technically is after midnight so it is the morning.  I’m smoking my last cigarette, which is not cool.  I’m sipping some wp-1453766515485.jpegsleepytime vanilla tea.  Did you know that over half of the world’s vanilla is grown in Madagascar?  There’s some trivia for you if you didn’t.  Why am I not asleep?  I was plenty physically active today.  All of my kids and my dog are asleep.  As far as I know any one who might contact me at this hour is asleep.  So what is the deal?

I’m afraid it might be something that I discovered tonight.  As much as I feel like I’m getting better, as much as I know things are they way they are and they’re not changing, there is this deep well of sorrow still inside of me.  It’s not sadness and it’s not depression.  It is sorrow and if you’ve felt those things, you know the difference.  This is like a pain you don’t know is there unless you look at it.  The cut from a knife so sharp, you don’t feel the pain until you see the blood.  Why is it still here?  Why mourn so much for something so obviously done?  Why can I see this and understand it but not make myself feel it?

In exactly one month and twenty seven days it will be a year since my life had its cataclysmic shift.  Things are almost done and as righted as they’re going to be and I thought I was mostly ok with that but it seems I’m not.  There’s really no sense or reason for it.  But it’s there.  It vexes me.  It steals my sleep and peace of mind.  Why do I torment myself for no reason and how long can it go on?  Maybe these questions are what’s keeping me from the bliss of oblivion.  But if that’s the case, what do I do if I never sleep again.  It’s the Krueger nightmare but this one is waking and there’s no escape.