Good morning darklings.  I’m a little behind but I’ve got some coffee and I’ve got some wp-1453253871014.jpegcigarettes, so that’s good.  And I’m behind because I actually slept last night, so that’s pretty good too.  No up and down throughout the night until I just give up and stay awake.  I’m not ungrateful.  Believe me the nights that I’ve been able to just lay down and the suddenly it’s morning have been very few and far and in between to the point of they might as well not even be mentioned.  But I just did so there we have it I guess.

So as well as yesterday started, it mostly continued.  The appointment that was scheduled to take place in my kitchen was held and soon I will have power over my life again.  Now it’s just a countdown.  It feels weird that I basically kind of signed my name a couple of times and now I’m being reimbursed for the last fourteen years of my life.  Those years, the good and sometimes very bad of them, are worth more to me than that.  Half of me watched who I thought was my other half sign his portion of the papers and my heart actually ached.  It was painful to see how easily and without hesitation signed the last fourteen years of his life away too.

The other part of me, the part that actually has intelligence knows that this is best and no matter how he treats me when he’s nice and seduces my heart is not who I would usually see anymore.  It’s unhealthy.  That ghost of a person was just making another appearance.  That person disappeared quickly enough once he left my presence.  And I could see as he signed his portion of the papers, he’s no longer branded by the mark of a ring on his finger.

My heart is killing me.  It doesn’t matter what pattern I see.  My heart doesn’t care what my mind tells it not to feel.  I feel it anyway.  That stupid organ doesn’t care that it’s an illusion.  It’s only concerned that it sees what I like.  That it sees a handsome man who at one time was my best friend, my confidant, my strength and safety and comfort.  It sees the familiar and remembers.  It tosses my best interest to the winds and swoons.  That masochistic thing.  Maybe eventually my mind will win over.  Maybe sensibility will come to the forefront and say, “Krista, stop being stupid.  Feelings are not what will help you survive life.  Stop being pathetic.”  So far that isn’t helping anything.  So far my heart is turning a deaf ear in that direction so the torment continues.

So from now on I must, MUST, ignore that.  I have got to think about what’s best for me and that situation was not.  It might have been nice to try and fix it because it was at some point salvageable but apparently that time has past.  Be nice.  Be friendly.  But don’t be a doormat anymore.  Save what’s left of my family and go forward.  Eventually my heart will catch up.