Archive for January, 2016


Survival

Good morning my lovelies.  This morning I actually didn’t have to make coffee to have any while typing this.  I was capable of going to get a coffee.  So this morning I’m writing with a mocha latte and my cigarettes.  Yes the car purchase was successful.  Thank goodness.  And I can’t put a picture of it up because the camera on my phone is still not working.  For those of you who were interested, sorry.  Can’t do it.wp-1453253826312.jpeg

I’ll be honest.  I’m still a little freaked out but it’s got to get better.  It has to all come back to me.  One of the guys at the dealership asked me if I was excited to be getting a car.  I said yes but I was mostly nervous because I’m a little rusty at driving.  He told me that I don’t look rusty. lol  That was ok too.  So I’m mobile, much thinner and getting noticed again.  Things could be worse.  I truly am grateful to have this chance again.  There are only so many chances in life and I’ve blown through a lot of them.  I can’t do that anymore.

My ability to get places has been restored.  Unfortunately that isn’t helping me in the get a job world.  That is held up in other ways that I have no control over.  The only semblance of control there is getting my laptop fixed and finding something to do from home, like transcription or data entry or something.  I’m not to sure right now.  But schedules prohibit much else.  And it’s a necessity and something else that would make me feel more like a whole person again. Or at least as whole as I’m going to eventually be.

I’ve been just existing for a long time.  Stuck in some kind of stasis of wait and see.  I’m still there but I’d bump myself up to surviving now, I’m not just breathing anymore.  There’s more now.  I guess the light at the end of the tunnel maybe.  Though I’m not putting too much into that just yet.  I’m still waiting and seeing.  But now I have some flexibility that may lead to even living again.  I have to be honest though, because I’m always honest here, I can’t see me ever reaching a point where I’m not waiting.

Oh, Today

Good morning my darklings.  Coffee and cigarette in hand, I sit here typing.  It’s either that or put on my make-up and I don’t think I’m quite awake enough to do that right now without having to start it all over at some point.  So…into the light

Today, after many, many months, I should have a car again.  And after many, many years this one will be one that I pick out for myself.  I’ll admit that it is a little scary.  I haven’t driven in over a year so I’m afraid I’m going to be rusty.  Hopefully it’s like riding a bike and sex and it will all come back to me naturally.  Thankfully I was smart enough to keep my license and insurance current so I’ll be able to pick what I want, within an affordability range, sign some papers and drive home.

Does anyone have a make or model they’re particular too?  Thankfully I have a couple of friends who are very good with cars so I have them to ask for advice so I’m not going in totally incompetent.

If I can get my camera phone to ever start working again, maybe I’ll post a few pictures of whatever it is that I chose.  Wish me luck  please.  Good thoughts are always accepted here.  Thanks.

Good morning my lovely friends.  I’m back for the second installment.  I’ve had almost a pot of coffee, some cigarettes, some honest conversation (gasp!) and I think I’m ready to make my blog post for the day.

It would seem, my friends, my invited ones, that I’ve attracted a troll.  This troll and I share a common interest.  This interest is…in some senses, wavering.  And that’s ok.  It’s also ok that I have this troll.  It shows some intelligence where I thought there was little.  It does appear, though, that this troll is spoiled, selfish, greedy, untrusting (though that may not be unfounded) and, well, kind of a little bitch of a troll.  Because I’ve tried to contact this troll directly more than once and have only received hang ups and weak Facebook posts that were promptly taken down once our shared interest found out about them.

So I have to resort to this.  This passive-aggressive post to my troll because I know a troll will be a-trolling.

It would seem, my friends, that my troll has trust issues with our common interest.  And that’s ok too.  That’s for trolls to deal with however they deal with that stuff when they troll and don’t like what they find.  This causes my troll to be unhappy.  And my troll spreads the unhappiness around.  First to our common interest and then that trickles down to me.  And that’s bullshit.

Here’s what my troll doesn’t understand.  I don’t do, say or post anything for the benefit or detriment of my troll. I could care less about a troll’s well-being.  But I will take care of our shared interest to the best of my ability, if only for the common interest’s sake.  I’m not going to be the one to  kill off what good there is, what niceness and decency our common interest has left.  Which is sad.  Because our common interest could be beneficial to both of  us. Probably for different reasons because I am not a self-serving troll.  I also have nothing to lie about and nothing to hide. I’m not sure exactly why the troll does.  Maybe our common interest should ask that question.  But that part isn’t for me.

Don’t worry, my lovelies.  I’ve got my coffee and I’ve got my cigarettes.  I’m thinking about things.  There are things that need to be said but they need to be said properly and prettily, of course. Our regularly scheduled blog post will follow shortly.

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Vexed

Oh my dear, dear darklings.  I would love to say good morning to you as per the norm.  But that would imply that I’ve been to sleep, though it technically is after midnight so it is the morning.  I’m smoking my last cigarette, which is not cool.  I’m sipping some wp-1453766515485.jpegsleepytime vanilla tea.  Did you know that over half of the world’s vanilla is grown in Madagascar?  There’s some trivia for you if you didn’t.  Why am I not asleep?  I was plenty physically active today.  All of my kids and my dog are asleep.  As far as I know any one who might contact me at this hour is asleep.  So what is the deal?

I’m afraid it might be something that I discovered tonight.  As much as I feel like I’m getting better, as much as I know things are they way they are and they’re not changing, there is this deep well of sorrow still inside of me.  It’s not sadness and it’s not depression.  It is sorrow and if you’ve felt those things, you know the difference.  This is like a pain you don’t know is there unless you look at it.  The cut from a knife so sharp, you don’t feel the pain until you see the blood.  Why is it still here?  Why mourn so much for something so obviously done?  Why can I see this and understand it but not make myself feel it?

In exactly one month and twenty seven days it will be a year since my life had its cataclysmic shift.  Things are almost done and as righted as they’re going to be and I thought I was mostly ok with that but it seems I’m not.  There’s really no sense or reason for it.  But it’s there.  It vexes me.  It steals my sleep and peace of mind.  Why do I torment myself for no reason and how long can it go on?  Maybe these questions are what’s keeping me from the bliss of oblivion.  But if that’s the case, what do I do if I never sleep again.  It’s the Krueger nightmare but this one is waking and there’s no escape.

So I Continue To Wait

Good afternoon my lovelies.  I know this is very, very late for me but I’ve been busy and pained. Thanks to donations from wonderfully kind neighbors, I’ve got a couple of cigarettes and I’m taking in the last of my coffee as I type.  I hope if any of you are in the worried fairypath of this past blizzard, you’re safe and still well stocked because the snow and ice don’t seem to be going anywhere.  At least around here.  That would be why I’m so late and in so much pain right now.

I’ve been shoveling about 3 feet of snow for hours yesterday and today.  Today was a late start because my tummy muscles were so sore from the hours moving snow yesterday.  Once I’d eaten enough aspirin that I felt I could safely move again, I went back out until the aspirin started to wear off.  That probably says a little something about my activity level.   Apparently walking a couple of miles a day doesn’t do much for the tummy.  On the upside, if this keeps up I might have a nicer stomach to go with my nicer legs by spring. lol

It’s’ still not done, though I think I’ve moved about a ton of this stuff my grandfather, who I fully agree with, called white shit.  This stuff has totally screwed up my plans.  Delaying everything that was supposed to garner me some freedom.  Such is life, I guess. The longer I wait for things the more I’ll appreciate them.   But I have to say I can’t imagine appreciating them more than I would right now. 

Patience is a virtue that, thankfully, I seem to have developed a large amount of.  That’s a very good thing considering how much of my life has been spent waiting for the last year or so.  Patience and hope actually.  I think hope is a virtue.  It should be.  It’s still keeping me alive while my patience runs its course.  I can only use a little more of that hope to hope that I have enough patience to outlast this snow, this time table and string of difficulties that have, hopefully lol, only come my way to teach some important life lesson.  Now I wait and see.

Subconscious Betrayal

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Good morning gothlings.  I’m up earlier
than usual posting this because of the dreams i was having and the snow.  There are far fewer smokes left in my cigarette pack than I’m comfortable with and I’m out of coffee and sugar.  I’m prepped to be unhappy.  When I finally go out to shovel, what am I going to drink to get the feeling back in my fingers? 

And I’d really love to get some more sleep.  These dreams are haunting me.  I can convince myself of so much while I’m awake.  But my subconscious betrays me.  So many of my dreams now include memories of the good times.  Or versions of them.  Small kisses, easy words, comfortable hugs, laughter. 

It feels good.  And it continues to feel that way for a couple of seconds.  Then my waking mind kicks in and I remember how things really are.  Oh well.  This shall pass eventually too I guess.  Maybe my dreams will include someone they’re holding at bay now.

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Winter’s a Bitch

Good morning my lovely little creatures of the night.  If you live anywhere near me I hope you’re all stocked up on the staples and you have a very heavy coat to wear while you wp-1453329041528.jpegshovel about two feet of snow and ice.  Let’s all take a moment and thank Mother Nature for saving up all November and December to dump a shit ton of snow on us at the end of January.  I don’t know.  This kind of storm usually happens in March so maybe this will be the one big snow of the season.  Maybe we can just get it out of the way now and be done with it.  I’m probably wrong and I definitely know it but let’s just hope.

If my laptop would stop eating everything I write or my desktop had Word installed on it, I could say, “Well I can spend the time I’m not shoveling, writing.”  Sadly, neither of those are the case.  If I could find my thumb drive, I could just save it there but I only have one right now and that is hiding.  There is always pen and paper which is probably what I’ll resort to but, man, that sucks.  And then when I can finally get my laptop fixed or get somewhere to get a few thumb drives, I’m going to have to type it up anyway.  But perhaps I’ll get a decent amount written down and it can kind of be like a rough edit.  I’ll be able to alter and fix things as I go.

Stupid snow.  Grumble.  I won’t be happy until it’s gone.  I’m definitely going to run out of coffee and cigarettes.  That is not good.  I’m sorry to bitch.  It’s not like I’m the only one going to be effected by the snow storm.  And at least I have a warm house and food to shelter me through.  Let’s just breathe.  This too shall be overcome with time.

Masquerade

Good morning darklings.  I’m sitting here with cigarette and coffee in hand, typing as a very cold draft seeps in from the window beside me.  You know what else is out that window besides cold wind?  Snow.  And more of it’s coming.  A lot more.  The blizzard wp-1453329067432.jpegwatch starts later today.  Joy of joys.  In case this is your first time reading one of my blogs, let me explain that I hate snow.  I’d be happy to watch it fall, enjoy how pretty and white and crisp it looks.  Then have it just go away.  That would make snow tolerable.  But just barely.  It would seem that whole winter pretending it was spring is all over with and now winter has come to kick our asses.  Wonderful.

I don’t like and naturally don’t trust, things and/or people that pretend to be something  or someone they’re not.  Warm enough for shorts in December is a pretty good indicator that sooner or later Mother Nature is going to bite you in the butt.  Unfortunately people are much harder predict.  I know if you say you love Metallica and you can only name one song and it’s something like Enter Sandman, you’re a joke musically.  What I’m talking about is masquerading as a whole other person for years.  Aside from that making you a liar, if you let someone fall in love with your pretend persona for, say, fourteen years, it makes you a bad person too.  And it just has to be exhausting.  Wouldn’t you think?

Now granted my situation isn’t quite that bad but it’s pretty close.  I know that when you’re with someone for a long time you both grow and change as people.  The key to making that work is to grow and change together.  You both become a little different but those core qualities that you each fell in love with are still there.  And for goodness sake don’t lie about things to keep the other person in love and hopeful that everything is going to be ok.  That is cruel.  And even worse is to show those core qualities that the other person fell in love with to get them to agree to things and do things that you want.  Very not nice.  Very uncool.  Very stupid of that other person (read me) to fall for it every freaking time.

So I guess what I’m saying is just be honest.  It makes everyone’s life so much easier.

My Masochistic Heart

 

Good morning darklings.  I’m a little behind but I’ve got some coffee and I’ve got some wp-1453253871014.jpegcigarettes, so that’s good.  And I’m behind because I actually slept last night, so that’s pretty good too.  No up and down throughout the night until I just give up and stay awake.  I’m not ungrateful.  Believe me the nights that I’ve been able to just lay down and the suddenly it’s morning have been very few and far and in between to the point of they might as well not even be mentioned.  But I just did so there we have it I guess.

So as well as yesterday started, it mostly continued.  The appointment that was scheduled to take place in my kitchen was held and soon I will have power over my life again.  Now it’s just a countdown.  It feels weird that I basically kind of signed my name a couple of times and now I’m being reimbursed for the last fourteen years of my life.  Those years, the good and sometimes very bad of them, are worth more to me than that.  Half of me watched who I thought was my other half sign his portion of the papers and my heart actually ached.  It was painful to see how easily and without hesitation signed the last fourteen years of his life away too.

The other part of me, the part that actually has intelligence knows that this is best and no matter how he treats me when he’s nice and seduces my heart is not who I would usually see anymore.  It’s unhealthy.  That ghost of a person was just making another appearance.  That person disappeared quickly enough once he left my presence.  And I could see as he signed his portion of the papers, he’s no longer branded by the mark of a ring on his finger.

My heart is killing me.  It doesn’t matter what pattern I see.  My heart doesn’t care what my mind tells it not to feel.  I feel it anyway.  That stupid organ doesn’t care that it’s an illusion.  It’s only concerned that it sees what I like.  That it sees a handsome man who at one time was my best friend, my confidant, my strength and safety and comfort.  It sees the familiar and remembers.  It tosses my best interest to the winds and swoons.  That masochistic thing.  Maybe eventually my mind will win over.  Maybe sensibility will come to the forefront and say, “Krista, stop being stupid.  Feelings are not what will help you survive life.  Stop being pathetic.”  So far that isn’t helping anything.  So far my heart is turning a deaf ear in that direction so the torment continues.

So from now on I must, MUST, ignore that.  I have got to think about what’s best for me and that situation was not.  It might have been nice to try and fix it because it was at some point salvageable but apparently that time has past.  Be nice.  Be friendly.  But don’t be a doormat anymore.  Save what’s left of my family and go forward.  Eventually my heart will catch up.