Here’s something new that I’ve come up with. I hope you guys forgive me for being negligent and like this. It’s been a while since I’ve even tried to write something new, so if you don’t like it, please don’t be too harsh.
The sky outside is gray and moody
Changing with the direction of the wind
And it suits me now, if it’d only rain
I wait for the end to begin
It seems I’ve been dying in increments
Much longer than I’d thought before
And it seems that everything’s all twisted up
I can’t believe I’d hoped for anything more
Because once I thought that I had it all
The whole til death do us part
And it wasn’t a lie but it was a joke
Cause the other half was lacking a heart
And mistakes were made in increments
Each one was worse than the last
Expanding in exponentials at least
Each one making the future the past
Good morning my loves. I know, I know. I’ve been absent for a longer while than usual this time but I have good reasons for it this time. The kids finally got to come home! So I just kind of holed up and spent time with them. It was really, really good. I opened the door when they were dropped off and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten bigger hugs from them or more I love yous. Even from my oldest daughter who barely and rarely talks. She cried a little and I was worried for a minute. I asked her if she was happy or sad and she said happy as she was wiping away a few tears.
My youngest daughter finally got to get the birthday presents I’d gotten for her. The four of us did the birthday cake and candles, sat around the kitchen table together for dinner and basically just hung out in a puppy pile on the sofa with blankets, popcorn and movies. We played games. We colored. We played. It was like life was on pause and started again once they were home.
Unfortunately, they had to go back this past Friday. They said they wanted to stay at least a little longer but there’s a court order in place and there really no choice in the matter. It’ll be ok though. I’ll get them back next Friday and eventually they’ll see that this is really the schedule now and they won’t have to worry whether or not they’ll get to see or talk to me. Before they left I made sure to tell the three of them that no matter what happens, I love them and want them home with me, that I’m at lthe very least trying to speak with them everyday. That I’ll miss them until they’re home with me again.
It was just very important to me, and I think for them, for them to feel reassured that this is home and I love them and want them here. And I think it worked. They were pretty tight lipped about life at the other house to begin with but as they relaxed again and got comfortable, I would hear some stories of their daily lives with the other one and the common interest. It was kind of hard but I made sure that I kept my face blank of anger or irritation, that I remained interested in what they had to say, that I asked questions so they knew it was ok to talk about stuff with me.
It wasn’t like they were telling me bad things and I wasn’t trying to pry information out of them. They just wanted to catch me up on the stuff they’d been doing and how things were going. My youngest asked if it was ok for her to talk about this stuff so I hugged her, kissed the top of her head and told her she can always talk to me about whatever she wants.
It was hard and a little scary to let them go again but I’m trusting that I’ll get them back. And it’s not like I could let them know I was anxious about it because that would only make them anxious about it too. They’ll be home again on Friday. I’ve got to believe that. It would just be really great if the common interest would give up on the anger he’s holding on to so that he and I can take care of our kids. There’s no reason for us to fight anymore if the only thing between us is raising them to the best of our abilities and their needs. So maybe things are closer to being alright. I hope so because I’m tired of fighting.
Good morning my lovelies. The coffee just cannot brew fast enough this morning. Waking up is difficult this morning. I’m already bartering with myself that if I get this and that done, I can have a nap. There’s a little voice in my head saying to just take the nap but I can’t do that. I’m not big on them anyway. I hate waking up disoriented, with my heart racing a mile a minute.
So yesterday I had to catch a ride with my parents to Annapolis because my car is having issues. They were listening to a CD and their song came on. I was sitting in the back thinking about it. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know that that song is their song. It just always has been. My parents have been married for like 45 years and this was their song since they were dating.
It occurred to me that I’ve never really had a song with anyone. There are songs that I could or would associate with a person or a situation but nothing where you look at the other person and without needing to say a word acknowledge that that is your song together. You get that moment of recognition of yourselves as a couple. Like you two against the world.
Then it dawned on me that I’m probably never going to have that. I’ve been as close as I’m going to be I think. And really, at this point, it makes me sad but I don’t want to go back there again. I don’t want to be in a position where someone has that kind power over me, to hurt me again.
Good afternoon my lovelies. I know I’ve been lax again but things came up and I’m just now getting home again. Luckily, cell phones travel so any chance that I had to speak to my kids was not missed. My days are revolving around that now. When might the kids get to call? And any, and every, thing and one is dropped if that call comes through. Nothing else is more important.
I’m left with some questions though. They’ll stay with me for the time being. But I’m also left with a lot of guilt. The last two times I spoke with them, first my youngest son and then my youngest daughter, the next night, started crying when it was time to hang up. I fully believe they need to hear that I love them, miss them and want them to come home. The problem is that they miss me too and I have no answers for them as to when I’ll get to see them again.
Am I being selfish wanting whatever form of contact I can get with them or am I exercising my God given right as a mother? The absolute very last thing I want for them is to hurt or be sad. And I surely don’t want to be the cause of it. I truly don’t want any of us to hurt, or at least not more than naturally comes from these type of situations. But then who am I, right? lol
I guess I’m bordering on maybe being hopeful again for some agreeable outcome. Not everyone is going to be completely happy. Not everyone is going to get exactly what they want but maybe there’s some acceptable routine that can come from what’s left of everything that was. What counts is that the kids can still be loved, happy and taken care of. In the end that’s all that matters anymore.
Good afternoon darklings. I’ve been told today that I’m a broken record and need to give up on certain things or people. I try not to be because I know who that person is does not exist anymore. But it’s difficult to let go of someone you thought you knew to be true at one time. Especially when you gave everything to that person and, for whatever reason, that wasn’t enough. It’s hard to accept that maybe you were only enough for a little while. And the person you promised your life to, was not that person at all.
When you and that person go through something so hard that you just know that if you can survive it together, everything will be ok and it isn’t? That’s a hard reality to face. Especially when you weren’t expecting it and the person who replaced you is a lesser woman. Someone having their shit together doesn’t make them a better person necessarily. It makes them organized. Not forgiving. Not nurturing. Not accepting. And definitely not loving. Not if they’re worried more about appearances than substance.
But the friend who told me I’m being redundant is right. I can’t fault her on that one. It would piss me off too. I need to turn the other face and move forward with what is and not wait around for what I want. It’s done nothing but harm me and how do you watch a friend self-destruct without saying something?
So from this point forward I’m not waiting. I can’t anymore. It’s been too much and affected too many aspects of my life. I can only hurt so much for one person. My kids? I would die for. Anyone else? There has to be a limit. And I think, I hope, I’ve reached mine.
Good morning my lovelies. I should be making coffee but I’m not feeling it this morning which, you know if you read this with any regularity, is strange. There have been fairly close to more mornings than not that my day started with coffee and eventually coffee and a cigarette. I’m feeling a little sad again today, I think.
Yesterday I did not even get to speak to my children. There was some texting to the common interest in an attempt to see them and let them visit their grandmother. There were even a few calls but whatever. So I guess I was so excited from talking to them those two times and thinking I would at least get to keep that much, that it was a real let down that I wasn’t allowed. I sort of thought and had some hope, for the briefest instant, that maybe things were getting better.
Now I don’t know. I guess it could go either way depending on the common interest’s mood. It sucks but it’s fine in a way. After 14 years, I’m pretty used to the moodiness. I’ve learned from experience to adapt and overcome that so I’ll keep trying and I’ll wait for things to come around again. They always do. Eventually that person I knew will show. The good guy I knew always shows back up at some point. He always does. The person I knew, knew right from wrong and he knows denying me access to our babies is wrong.
So I’ll try to be patient. I have no other choice but to be good. Making decisions gets a lot easier when all of your options have been taken from you. What’s sad is, I was the one stupid enough to fall into traps that put me in this position. I’m not the conniving type so I don’t see that in other people. That was another lesson I learned the hard way but I learned it well and will not forget.
Good morning my loves. I’m posting this and I really am going to catch another quick nap before the sun comes all of the way up. It’s iced coffee this morning in case anyone was wondering. And the cigarette situation is ok as of now but donations are being accepted. lol I’m getting further than I used to before things start looking bad but I’m still not making it the whole month. It’s never going to be enough but I’m working on that.
I was able to talk to the kids again for a couple of minutes yesterday. And I was able to keep my shit together this time. Of course this time I was on speakerphone and the common interest was listening in. That’s fine though. It isn’t as if he hasn’t heard a million conversations between me and the kids before. And I did get a chance to tell him he could meet me somewhere for a visit at least. As long as “the other one” doesn’t come along, it would all be fine but we’ll see. I don’t like that it’s assumed that I would do some sketchy stuff that other people would do when I never have before. He’s been advised by me about everything that’s happened up until this point and given time to correct himself but a girl’s got to stand up for herself somewhat at some point.
Anyway, the point is, good stuff happened yesterday. Hopefully, good things will continue to happen. It’s a strange place for me but it’s not bad. I’m kind of enjoying this feeling of not awaiting some impending doom. It’s fairly cool when things go well. Could things be better? Sure. But I’m not going to be ungrateful for the things that have happened that are good. I still think it’s important to find a reason to smile and laugh everyday and have at least one thing to be grateful for everyday. It may be hard to find that silver lining some days but that just means you’ve got to look harder for it.
So, for now, I’m happy and I’m grateful. My kids are ok even if they want to come home. That’s not bad. They will eventually. They love me and that’s pretty much everything. So that’s a good thing too. They know I love and miss them. They know I’m waiting. And I’ll keep waiting. For the second day in a row it kind of feels like things might be ok again at some point. It’s an unfamiliar feeling for me but one I could definitely get used to.
Good morning my loves. I’m debating going back to sleep. It’s still plenty early enough to do that and get the rest of my day done. But I have an update of some good news finally and I wanted to share. Last night I considered writing this but I figured I’d wait until today.
I finally got to talk to my kids last night. It was so good to hear those voices. It was hard too but very much worth it. They’re ok but they want to come home. I let them know that I’m trying to make that happen. I also got a chance to remind them, just in case they were in doubt, that I love them and miss them and I want them to come home as well. I actually just realized, I was so happy and excited to talk to them, I forgot to ask about my dog. But I guess if something was wrong with him, the kids would have told me. They did tell me the love me and miss me.
For those couple of minutes last night, I was happy. Really happy, very, very happy. For those couple of minutes, I wasn’t worried or even thinking about anything else going on in my life now. I finally have a little bit of hope again. Or at least I’m thinking it might be ok to have some hope again.
So I guess I’m not going to go back to sleep. I’m chugging coffee at the moment and have stuff that’s got to be done today. But, all in all, things are starting to look up a little bit. I’m so used to that not being the case that I forgot what it feels like for things to be ok. And things maybe being ok isn’t so bad.
Good morning my dear darklings. The coffee is just not doing it today. It’s good. It’s just not working. Maybe I accidentally bought the half caffeinated kind. I think I’m just sad. I’m still missing my kids. It’s like withering. I don’t know how he could go so long without seeing or talking to them and I gave him the option to do so. He’s not giving me that option. Didn’t he miss them like I do? I’ve been a mother since I was 20 and I don’t know anymore how to be a person and not just mommy. I don’t really want to know. I love my kids and I miss and think about them all of the time.
I keep thinking to myself when I finally get to see them. I imagine the hugs and remember hearing my oldest daughter saying, “I love you mommy.” for the first time ever. And I’m not a crier but I miss them so badly, I’m pretty sure I’ll cry. It will be so good to just see and hold them again. I hope they know that I love them and miss them. I hope they don’t think I don’t want them. That would never be true. They can always come home if he’d let them.
My closet is full of birthday presents for my youngest daughter. I’ve got a few things for the other two as well. The freezer has an ice cream cake waiting for her. There’s a fresh box of birthday candles in a drawer. I look around the house and I’ve cleaned it but otherwise, it’s like time stopped when they couldn’t come home. My son’s book bag and glasses are still in the same spot. The stuffed bunny my daughter likes to sleep with is still in the same place. My oldest daughter’s favorite frozen pizzas are still waiting to be cooked. It’s like I don’t know how to live without them.
If the common interest’s goal was to kill me, he’s found the tool. What’s sad is he knows exactly what he’s doing to me. Why he’s doing it, I don’t know. I was perfectly fine for the kids for the last 14 years. What’s worse is I would never do this to him. I would never do this to them. I would never deny our kids access to one of their parents. They love him and they should. He’s their father. But they love me too and in their entire lives they haven’t gone this long without me. Does he consider what this might be doing to them? I don’t know. If he was the person I knew, I’d say yes. This person is, like I’ve said, someone I barely recognize. And now he’s making me a stranger to them.
Good morning my lovelies. No coffee today. I was too lazy to make it for just me. But everything else is status quo. It was brought to my attention today that I am not a strong person. I was not aware of this. I thought given some of the things I’ve gone through and endured, that I’m pretty freaking strong. Stronger than I thought, even.
It has also been brought to my attention that I spend a lot of time thinking about what is or could be considered rude. This, I knew. But, in regards to both of those statements, I don’t think it hurts. I am far stronger than I’m given credit for, especially with what I’ve gone through and what I’m continuing to go through. How many times can you say you thought you had your life under control and then had your legs kicked our from under you? I can honestly say that in just this past year and a half, for me, it’s been countless times. I’d have to say that, not only am I strong, I’m pretty freaking resilient. How many times can you start over, especially in a short amount of time, and then just start over again? Somehow, I keep managing to do that.
And here’s where the rude stuff comes in. Just because someone knows how to be polite and treat people with respect doesn’t mean they’re weak. It harms no one and, I think, shows a level of intelligence and compassion to just be nice to people. Who does it hurt or what does it cost to hold a door for someone or say “Yes ma’am” or “Yes, sir”? No one and nothing. But if you’re nice and good to people, chances are that they’ll be good and nice to you. So you’re basically benefiting yourself, which also hints at my very selfish side and I readily admit I have one. But it makes me feel good to be good to people and what does that hurt?
Does it denote weakness? I guess so. I was not aware of that. Just because you can be nice, it automatically means you’re weak? For me that is not the case. I just don’t want to hurt people. It’s easy to hurt someone. That takes very little effort but it takes a little thought to consider how someone else might feel and act accordingly. Respect shows strength. It means you’re okay enough in your own head to be a decent person. The world might be a better place if people did that.